Sometimes, this is all it takes

No big loss: I don't date plagiarists, anyway

I ran across a profile on the dating site that knocked my socks off. It was clever and witty and completely over the top. I didn't contact the guy for a few weeks, because I was so intimidated (and it's pretty damn rare for me to be intimidated by a smart guy, particularly because they're so rare around here!) I shouldn't have been intimidated, because it turns out that he ripped off the style and a few of the points from this well-known essay (thanks to levendis for bringing that to my attention.) Before I knew that, however, I sent the following:

I write master's theses about insect imagery and apartheid while taking pictures of curry dishes for my burlesque cooking blog. I have convinced my dog that she is, in fact, a cat. I wear green eyeshadow with panache. I've disarmed my Italian cousin douchebag who tried to get me to sleep with him. I do not believe incest is best. I can dance with a cane balanced on my head and may break things in the process. But you didn't really like those things, anyway.

And although my experiences on this site thus far have given me a hint of post-traumatic stress, I am ceasing my muttering and rocking back and forth to press "send"...

...right...now.


No response. 

Maybe I intimidated him, given he's not as smart and original as he first appeared?

How not to date online, part 3

I noticed an artsy type guy on the dating site and sent him a message saying, hey I'm involved in the arts, too! As an example, I gave the following:

My latest endeavour is performing in a burlesque show as a douchy guy with a mullet, who wears a shirt professing a love of bacon and likes to grab himself and thrust a lot. I may even find some fake blacked-out teeth to perfect the ensemble. It will be a lot of fun. Nothing like subverting a genre that originally started out as a subversion, don't you think?

No response.

Come on, if dancing in drag as a douche who enjoys groping his manhood isn't a turn on, what is? 

Maybe he's worried my bulge is bigger than his?

It's funny because it's true

...at least, I assume it's true; I'd never let an illiterate man into my bed. Up against the wall, however, is another story altogether.