Reverse beer goggles

My deck was rotting to the point where it wasn't a question of if, but when, someone was going to fall through it, so I called Fix-It Dude. Just as he was tearing it apart, he ran into a snag: a massive bee infestation underneath my house. Not wasps. Bees. Hundreds and hundreds of bees. It was kind of surreal. We don't have many bees around here. Now I know why - they're all at Casa Savia!

It was with great sadness that I resisted naming the bees and instead called an exterminator. The nest was somewhere deep beneath my home and there was no way to get at it to save my sweet honey buns. That, and Fix-It Dude refused to work on the deck until they were gone. Wuss.

The bee killer came within an hour, and I was pleasantly surprised to discover that he was way cute. Nice smile, very friendly, he asked me about myself while he sprayed toxic powder on my dying winged pets, and talked about how he was going for birthday drinks with his much quieter bee-killing sidekick.

When he gave me the bill, he wrote his name and phone number on it, "in case something comes up with the bees before Friday" (when he would be back to make sure they were all dead.) It was Wednesday. What could come up with the bees in less than two days? I considered texting him the following: "So, did you give me your number for bee-related reasons or to go for drinks?" And then I thought, "What if he's a player and picks up women as he's exterminating critters all the time?"

Of course, I had to turn to my Facebook friends to see what to do. They were, as always, helpful:

• Life is too short not to give him a call. If you get "Stung" chalk it up as experience....go for it....
• I keep picturing Do-Bee from Romper Room.
• CALL HIM!!!! Even if he turns out to be a player who is great in bed, HE'S GREAT IN BED...LMAO

We decided that I should wait until he came back to make sure there was chemistry between us (aside from the toxic insecticide) and if so, I could ask him out in person.

On Friday afternoon, he knocked at my door. I was excited to open it, until I saw him. It was the same guy, but he looked completely different. Instead of the baby face with the adorable smile, he looked...dweeby?

What the hell happened?

One word: sunglasses.

The first time he came, he was wearing them and looking sweet like the honey underneath my house. When he showed up on my door the second time, he had taken them off. When he did, his entire face changed. Turns out he wasn't so cute after all. (I should also mention that he had been wearing the sunglasses on top of regular glasses.)

And, to add insult to injury, he was just a friendly exterminator who was not hitting on me either time. I just misread the signals. On Friday, he came, killed the bees some more (including some zombie bees), and then went on his way.

Clearly, both my cute-dar and flirt-dar are both extremely rusty due to lack of use. This is what happens when you get so wrapped up in work and school that you forget to date.

Still, I would like to know what brand of sunglasses those are, so I can sue the company for false advertising...or buy a pair for myself that I will never, ever take off. They're like beer goggles, but for everyone not wearing them. If I patent them, I will be rich, I tells ya!

I'm taking orders now, in case you're interested.

Naughty negotiations

A good friend of mine was looking for a new apartment and not having much luck. She had the option of paying $1,200 for a two-bedroom apartment or $600 for a 350-square-foot bachelor suite, without any options in-between. That, and she'd had lovely phone conversations like these:

Friend: Hi, I noticed that you had a sign saying you have apartments for rent.
Landlord: What a coincidence. You need an apartment and my friend needs a date.
Friend: Uhhhh. [Awkward silence.] So...what do you have available?
Landlord: Well, what are you looking for?
Friend: What do you have?
Landlord: I'll tell you what I have if you tell me what you're looking for.
Friend: A one-bedroom for around $600.
Landlord: Yeah, I don't have anything like that.
Friend: Oh, okay.
Landlord: I have a two-bedroom, though. Why don't you get a roommate and you can rent my apartment?
Friend: I'm looking for a one-bedroom because I don't want a roommate.
Landlord: Well, why don't I give you a deal for a few months and then you'll have time to find a roommate and then you can live in my apartment.
Friend: I want to live alone. I don't want a two-bedroom.
Landlord: Did you just get out of a relationship or something?

After that exchange, my friend was done with apartment shopping, so I set her up with my mom, who has a suite for rent in her house. She really liked the place, and she and my mom get along well, so it seemed like it would be a good fit. And then:

Mom: I suppose we should have a conversation about boyfriends.
Friend: Well, I just got out of a relationship, so I'm not planning on having a boyfriend anytime soon.
Mom: We should probably talk about sex in the house.
Friend: Sure.

Oh, God, I thought. Is this really happening? Are my best friend and my mom seriously negotiating terms under which my friend can get it on with some hypothetical dude?

To say my mom is conservative and traditional is an understatement. This is the woman who told me, "Keep yourself pure" every time I left the house from the time I was 10 years old until I moved out in my early 20s. You could tell that she wanted to say, "No sex in the house," but couldn't, as my friend would be paying rent and all.

To my horror, the conversation continued, with me standing between them watching the sex negotiation going back and forth like a bizarro tennis match that would require me to go to therapy for months afterward.

Savia: Mom, you do know that my brother impregnated someone while he was living here, and then he and his fiance lived here for years, so it's not as though no one's ever had sex in your house. They probably did it while you were home, too.

Mom: [ignoring me] I would like it if it didn't happen while I was here.
Friend: You work until 10:30 p.m. each night, right?
Mom: Yes.
Friend: So, is before 9 p.m. okay?
Mom: Yes, that would be alright.
Friend: Okay, that's doable.
Mom: Or maybe he would have his own place.
Friend: I would hope that if I met a guy, he would have his own place. So, we could go there for sure.
Mom: I think I would prefer that.
Friend: I think I would prefer that, too.

And with that, they agreed to be roomies, with one caveat:

Mom: There's just one more thing.
Friend: What is that?
Mom: We have to go to the Red Lobster to celebrate!
Friend: Deal!

I'm feeling wicked

This week, I had the pleasure of going to Wicked: The Musical in Saskatoon with two sexy ladies, Madam Diva and MayB. Diva was my official date, because I knew that I wouldn't even have to buy her supper to get her to put out.

I had already seen the musical in London back in 2007, but when something like this comes to Saskatchewan, I think it's important to get out and support it so we'll keep getting productions like this coming to the province. That, and I'll take any excuse to go up to Saskatoon to visit Diva (see above reason). And it's truly a spectacular musical with stunning costumes, dancing, staging, singing and special effects.

I admit that when I was in London, I had no interest in seeing Wicked. I was far more intrigued by sex exhibits. But I'm glad I went, because it wasn't what I thought it would be. What I like best about the show is that it's not a fluffy musical like you would expect, especially given its connection to The Wizard of Oz.

While the theme of Oz could be summed up as "you don't need something external to make you whole - you already have it inside you," Wicked delves into:

• good versus evil ("Are people born Wicked? Or do they have Wickedness thrust upon them?" - Glinda)
• perceptions of beauty ("It's looking at things another way!" - Fiyero and Elphaba)
• friendship ("I do believe I have been changed for the better...Because I knew you I have been changed... for good." - Glinda and Elphaba)
• bullying and labelling ("A man's called a traitor, or a liberator. A rich man's a thief, or a philanthropist. Is one a crusader, or ruthless invader, it's all in which label is able to persist." - The Wizard)
• political corruption ("The true isn't a thing of fact, or reason. It's simply what everyone agrees on." - The Wizard)
• scapegoating (literally, as one of the targets is a talking goat) and ethnic cleansing ("Where I'm from, the best way to bring people together... is to give them a common enemy." - The Wizard)

Don't worry - it's still a very fun musical, but it also has some meat to it (which I appreciate, even though I'm a vegetarian), and makes you think about some of the bigger issues in our world.

For those of you not familiar, Wicked tells the untold story of the witches of Oz - the Good Witch of the North (Glinda), The Wicked Witch of the West (Elphaba) and the Wicked Witch of the East (Nessarose).

The show focuses on the unlikely friendship between Glinda and Elphaba and challenges the way in which the Wicked Witch is presented in The Wizard of Oz - perhaps she's not so evil after all.

While Wicked has been a "pop-uuuu-lar" (people who have seen it will get that reference) musical since it debuted on Broadway in 2003, the TV show Glee gave it another boost, by featuring original Broadway cast members Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth, as well as two songs from the musical, "Defying Gravity" and "For Good." Having the songs top-of-mind makes it even more fun to see live.

At the performance we saw, produced by Broadway Across Canada, Elphaba was played by Anne Brummel, Glinda by Natalie Daradich, Fiyero by David Nathan Perlow, Boq by Dan Pacheco and the Wizard by Don Richard. The cast was fantastic. Having seen the London production, I can say that the touring show did a great job of maintaining the spectacle with seamless set changes, performers' talent, and special effects.

Brummel kicks some serious ass as Elphaba. Before seeing this performance, like many people, my favourite song from the musical was "Defying Gravity." Now, I have a new one - "No Good Deed Goes Unpunished." The number was literally jaw-dropping. Diva and I looked at each other in astonishment at the power and emotion Brummel poured on to the stage. In fact, we were so amazed that we forgot to make out with each other. Another friend of mine went to the matinee show the same day, where Christine Dwyer, the standby for Elphaba, performed. She said that she had never heard such a powerful voice as Dwyer's. So, you're in for an amazing show regardless of which Elphaba is on stage.

Daradich's G(a)linda ("The 'Ga' is silent") is a lot of fun. She does a great job of portraying the ditzy, self-absorbed, wanna-be witch, reminding me a bit of Elle Woods in Legally Blonde. Diva and I, being singers ourselves, noted there were times her singing was flat, but it's not likely that this would jump out for the regular theatre-goer. She and Brummel play off each other very well and have some beautiful moments together.

If you get a chance to go to the Saskatoon show, or any of the performances in the North American tour, do it! Of course, cost can be an obstacle, but, fortunately, there is another option for those of us on a budget. A day-of-performance lottery for a limited number of $25 orchestra seats will be held every day of the run. Two hours before each show, you can go to the box office and have your name put into the lottery; 30 minutes later, names will be drawn for the (majorly) discounted tickets. Definitely worth a shot, n'est ce pas?

The Saskatoon performance is at TCU Place – Sid Buckwold Theatre from August 10-21, 2011, with tickets available online at www.tcutickets.ca, or by phone 306-975-7799 or 1-888-639-7770. The tour continues on to Winnipeg and then down into the States. Go here to learn when it will be coming to a city near you.

As much fun as the show was, I think the highlight of the evening was when Diva and I were walking back to the car and a group of guys walked by us and one said, "Nice boobs, ladies."* Quite pleased with the continued appeal of our 30-something mammaries, I said, "We've still got it baby. High five!" Sadly, our high five was a massive fail. So we decided to do a high boob instead.

I gave that five stars out of five. Encore!

*Diva claims the guy actually said, "Nice tits, girls." She's likely right. Funny how I changed the remark in my memory. Because "boobs" and "ladies" are waaaay more classy.