Plenty of nuts

The first guy I met on the dating site seemed alright. He was kinda cute, got my sense of humour and didn't mind that I mocked him relentlessly. There was a potential for chemistry there, but there were also a few alarm bells that I wasn't sure whether to heed. Were they just fire drills or the real deal? What exactly were my deal-breakers?


Alarm Bell #1 - French kissing fascists

For those of you non-Canucks, Stephen Harper is our Prime Minister and, aside from a few choice serial murderers, is the most hated man in Canada. (I could get into the intricacies of Canadian politics for you, but I'd rather talk about bad dating stories. If you're interested in some of Harper's greatest hits, check out ShitHarperDid.com. It's pretty sweet.)

I had a hard time getting my head around the Harper love, because this guy (let's call him Fishy) is not right-wing. He believes poverty is the root of crime and that people should not be locked up for minor offenses such as marijuana possession; he believes in women's rights and access to abortion; and he is an active trade union member. And Harper directly threatens each and every one of these values. I kept asking Fishy, "Why do you love him so much, exactly?" because I just couldn't understand where this idol-worship was coming from. And it really was idol worship. He even has a Stephen Harper bobblehead (which his friends keep kidnapping and torturing, appropriately.)

This is what psychologists refer to as a cognitive disconnect. Socialist wants to French kiss the fascist. I guess even the best of us love a bad boy, but still. Does not compute.

My leftie friends said that this was a deal-breaker. I wasn't so sure. If only I could understand the rationale, I could maybe accept it. The only real answer I got from him is that Harper had served him a hot dog at a barbecue once, and he thought the Harpster was super rad and had loved him ever since.

Um, okay then.


Alarm Bell #2 - Take it all off - only $250!

It was a day or so before our second date when I saw in my news feed that Fishy had added two new female friends on Facebook. I was curious to see if they were other people from the dating site, which would be fine, as I was still chatting with a variety of other guys. Sometimes, you just need to know the lay of the land. So, I clicked on one of their names and no surprises there. However, when I clicked on the other name, the profile picture was of a woman in pink lingerie, kneeling on a bed with her legs spread.

Ummm...not sure what to make of that. Perhaps she's from the dating site and he's been messaging her for "intimate encounters"? I decided I'd ask him at some point, but since I wasn't sure if I was interested in a relationship with him or not, I'd leave it for now. The Stephen Harper thing was still pretty weird. Couldn't decide if that was weirder than the half-naked Facebook friends.

The day after our second date, where he kissed me on the cheek and made it very clear that he was interested in more, I saw in my news feed that he had added two more female "friends" to his page. The first was a regular gal, and the second was topless except for a pair of suspenders, one over each nipple. She had a number of other photos visible, all body shots in lingerie.

Okay, this was getting a unsettling. Since I knew that he was going to be making some moves on the third date, I thought it was probably time to ask what the deal was. So, I texted him:

Savia: Who's your new FB friend in the lingerie?

Fishy: I have a bunch of strippers on my fb to liven up my friends list

Savia: Do you know them in person?

Fishy: Nope. Are you stalking my fb?

Savia: No - I just noticed you were adding new friends and clicked. Then my retinas were burned and now I'm blind. Thanks a lot.

Fishy: They usual post some interesting photos

Savia: I dunno - seems kind of sleezy to have "friends" on FB like that.

Fishy: Ya it is. Well I added one to check out her pics so it kinda snowballed after that. There is only one that I have chatted with a bit. They charge 250 for 30 min justvto strip

Savia: Sorry, man, but that's just not cool in my world.

Fishy: I see

So, not only does this guy seek out Internet strippers on Facebook and add them to his friends list, but he also knows how much they charge and has their pictures conveniently delivered to him in his news feed all day. Isn't that lovely. That's the kind of guy that I want to take home to my uber religious mom (actually, that would be kind of fun...)

I mean, I like half-naked ladies as much as the next guy (I really, really do), but there's a time and place. For a 40-year-old guy with a young daughter to be "livening up" his friends list with strippers in a public forum like Facebook (which is even less private with the new changes that have been rolled out) just rubbed me the wrong way. And I like my dates to rub me the right way. If they don't, I might as well just stay home with the Rock Chick.

So, this is what a deal-breaker feels like, hey? In the past, I've let things like this nag at me in my belly. I act as though they don't bother me, but inside, I want to scream, "Grow the fuck up, Fishy frat boy!"

Once I got his text explanation (textplanation?), I decided I was done with him. And I figured he was probably done with me, too, because after his "I see" response, he didn't text back. "Well, that was easy," I thought.

The next day, however, he sent me a "How's Savia doing today?" message on Facebook. I didn't respond because I wasn't interested in conversing with him. At the same time, I didn't care enough to delete him from my friends list. It's not as though I was angry, just disappointed and as turned-off as a gal can get. Especially if you add in the Stephen Harper worship.

Wait a sec! Maybe he was trying to get the strippers to lure Stephen Harper into some kind of crazy orgy so it would be less gay for him to hump the Harpie? That would make a lot more sense than the other explanations he had given me. I would be far more forgiving of this one, particularly because it would give me and the other pinko socialists good ammunition to take down our dictator overlord. Just hide in the closet with a camera. Done and done!

Later that week, I was getting ready for my date with Cute Lawyer Dude and I saw in my news feed that Fishy had added another four females to his friends list. I didn't bother clicking on them. I just thought, "Why am I even "friends" with this guy? He certainly isn't "livening up" my friends list any." So, I pressed the "delete" key and skipped off to my hawt date. Onward and upward!

Two days later, I got this text:

Fishy: What happened too ya on my fb?

(I thought about not responding. But then I decided it was better for me to express myself. After all, this was my deal-breaker with him, so he should at least know why. Plus, he used "too" instead of "to." All bets were off.)

Savia: I removed you. The stripper thing really bothered me and I don't want to be friends with someone who thinks it's cool to do that.

Fishy: Wow

And that was that. Except for a final bell...


Alarm Bell #3 - Passive aggressive profile changes!

I was scrolling through my matches on the site a few days later and noticed that Fishy had changed his tagline from something innocuous like, "Looking for a gf" to "No nuts please."

I thought, "Awwww...I made an impression."

So, dear readers, what kind of a nut am I? I was thinking hazelnut, given that they grow on my Nonna's farm in Italy, but then I thought maybe I should go with chestnuts. Gotta play up the assets when you're in the dating pool, after all.