I have a warped sense of humour and appreciate when people don't look at me like I've killed their kitten when I crack a joke. Because, really, I probably rescued that kitten - I am awesome that way.and
I am looking for someone who can engage in witty banter, discuss politics and social justice issues, and also strategize about the coming zombie apocalypse over a cup of green tea. The tea is necessary for antioxidants. Must stay healthy for the inevitable battle.and, most importantly,
Men who know their grammar are a huge turn-on. If you don't know the difference between "you're" and "your" or don't believe in using capital letters in your profile, don't bother messaging me unless you want to be mocked relentlessly.
That last one is key. As a writer, these kinds of mistakes make me twitch. And if a guy doesn't know how to use apostrophes properly, well, he ain't gonna be gettin up in ma junk.
The caveat has worked well to weed out the riff raff. The majority of guys who have messaged me have been nice and smart, with great senses of humour. But there's always going to be something like this:
Okay, so you're just lazy, then? Yeah, that's hot.
Um, what? No idea what that's even about. What do they teach kids in school nowadays? Le sigh.
But this was the best:
Subject: Yo fine sweetie
I looked at the guy's profile. In addition to an intense picture of him sporting a giant beard and staring creepily at the camera, his profile listed the interests: "Ballin, Hollerin, Mackin, Pimpin." And his "About Me" section read:
Awwwwwwww yeah, son. Get yo panties off cuz it's all about to go down. And by all of it i mean me. I like mackin', ballin', pimpin', hollerin', pretty much all the 'ins.
If you lookin for some pimp-ass playa then i be tha dude of yo wet dreams. I be so ballin i gots my own bowling alley. I pick yo ups from work one day in my macking '73 pimped out pink limozeen and we go cruzin' to clubs and shit. And just when yo think it's all over I be all BLAM -- tickets to tha Boys II Men concert from 1997. Front row, too. Yeah, that's some vintage ass sh*tright there.
HollaAs for a description of the first date with him?
Stop yo cryin' **** it's only halfway inI laughed so hard, I cried, then hurt from laughing and cried again. I knew right away that it was a friend of mine who had grabbed some random creepy dude's pic off the website and made a fake profile with it just to mess with me. It had her fingerprints all over it.
This is not the guy who messaged me.
So, now, what do I do to get her back for that one? Suggestions?