How not to date ME online

As I mentioned before, I am letting it all hang out when it comes to online dating. My profile is no exception and includes statements such as:

I have a warped sense of humour and appreciate when people don't look at me like I've killed their kitten when I crack a joke. Because, really, I probably rescued that kitten - I am awesome that way.

and 

I am looking for someone who can engage in witty banter, discuss politics and social justice issues, and also strategize about the coming zombie apocalypse over a cup of green tea. The tea is necessary for antioxidants. Must stay healthy for the inevitable battle. 

and, most importantly, 

Men who know their grammar are a huge turn-on. If you don't know the difference between "you're" and "your" or don't believe in using capital letters in your profile, don't bother messaging me unless you want to be mocked relentlessly.

That last one is key. As a writer, these kinds of mistakes make me twitch. And if a guy doesn't know how to use apostrophes properly, well, he ain't gonna be gettin up in ma junk.

The caveat has worked well to weed out the riff raff. The majority of guys who have messaged me have been nice and smart, with great senses of humour. But there's always going to be something like this: 

I DO know my grammar, but abjectly refuse to use it or punctuation in emails or im's with friends. It does tend to exasperate a few people. But seriously the shift key is waaay over to the side, its not going to happen.

Okay, so you're just lazy, then? Yeah, that's hot. 

And this: 

zombies huh aren t we all no squad for me thx i m more deadly and faster alone. guitar grrrrrr lets not talk about that infernal gadget. good music is really where you find it i m excited for the pearl jam show cooking well you name i m sure i ve takin a wack at it i ve been playing with asian and mexician as of late books i read anything with words i read shampoo bottles in  the washroom i m a big fan of christopher moore and irving walsh, no pics on here only on facebook

Um, what? No idea what that's even about. What do they teach kids in school nowadays? Le sigh.

But this was the best:

Subject: Yo fine sweetie

yo yo yo honey they be lots o dudes gettin all up in yo grill about this sh*tand that sh*tbut none o dem have what it takes. I be mad pimpin 24/7. when I aint pimpin I be BALLIN yo. True.

My fine ass beard will be ticklin yo rear . yall love it aight

I looked at the guy's profile. In addition to an intense picture of him sporting a giant beard and staring creepily at the camera, his profile listed the interests: "Ballin, Hollerin, Mackin, Pimpin." And his "About Me" section read:

Awwwwwwww yeah, son. Get yo panties off cuz it's all about to go down. And by all of it i mean me. I like mackin', ballin', pimpin', hollerin', pretty much all the 'ins.

If you lookin for some pimp-ass playa then i be tha dude of yo wet dreams. I be so ballin i gots my own bowling alley. I pick yo ups from work one day in my macking '73 pimped out pink limozeen and we go cruzin' to clubs and shit. And just when yo think it's all over I be all BLAM -- tickets to tha Boys II Men concert from 1997. Front row, too. Yeah, that's some vintage ass sh*tright there.

Holla

As for a description of the first date with him? 

Stop yo cryin' **** it's only halfway in 

I laughed so hard, I cried, then hurt from laughing and cried again. I knew right away that it was a friend of mine who had grabbed some random creepy dude's pic off the website and made a fake profile with it just to mess with me. It had her fingerprints all over it. 

This is not the guy who messaged me.

So, now, what do I do to get her back for that one? Suggestions?