I bought a couple of headbands from the sale section of the Lululemon website a few weeks ago, and when they arrived, they came with a reusable Lululemon bag, emblazoned with the company's "manifesto," a bunch of supposedly feel-good affirmations. I didn't actually read it until today, and then I wished I hadn't. I now want to strangle random people with my pretty, new, two-colour reversible sweat-wicking headbands.
And so, I give you part one of my rebuttal of my Lululemon bag. Take that, inanimate object!
- Do one thing a day that scares YOU. The only thing that really scares me is death. Are you telling me to step in front of a train, Lululemon? How about jumping off a bridge? Not a very good business strategy, dudes, considering I can't buy any more of your yuppie, pretentious yoga wear if I'm swimming with the fishes. But then again, you don't care about business strategies, because you're doing this for altruistic purposes, not profits, right?
- Friends are MORE important than money. What if my friend was one of the people who jumped off a bridge because you told her to, huh, Lululemon? Also, friends with money are the most important friends of all. Everyone knows that. Get with the program.
- Live near the ocean and inhale the pure salt air that flows over the water, VANCOUVER will do nicely. If you honestly think that the air near Vancouver is "pure," you have been inhaling too much of it, Lululemon. The city has more than half a million people and has a haze hanging over it. Mind you, about 60 per cent of that smog is pot smoke. Which is probably why you think the air is pure. Of course, most of the pollution gets blown into the valley nearby, where people in small cities develop asthma and other respiratory problems. So, you may actually get to inhale some nice air off the coast, but that means that people an hour away are sucking in cruddy air and going to the hospital, unable to breathe. Hope you feel great about that. Your comma splice before "Vancouver" pisses me off, too. Losers.
- Don't TRUST THAT an old age pension will be sufficient. What a warm and fuzzy message. It's okay, though. I'm stocking up on cat food now, so I am prepared. Also, WHAT THE FUCK is up with the RANDOM capitalization, Lululemon? Quit yelling at me. I thought that yoga-lovey-dovey-hippie-dippie freaks didn't shout.
- THE CONSCIOUS BRAIN CAN ONLY HOLD ONE THOUGHT AT A TIME. Choose a positive thought. Mmmmmm. This is some good cat food.
Stay tuned for the second installment, coming soon to an interweb near you.