Some friends and I were playing that game where you type in "[your name] wants" into Google and see what pops up. And then we took it a step further and wrote stories for each other based on the lists. The fabulous Diva wrote my story.
Enjoy!
The list...
Savia wants:
...to kill her as well, but for her own reasons.
...to teach a drag king class.
...to do the push-ups for me.
...to swap lives with Gem so she can have things easier.
...a different night-light.
...to talk about "Jaws."
...canned fish-and-shrimp dinners.
...to shake off her beauty-queen tag.
...to know if anyone else got a Barbie laptop computer for Christmas.
...to improve Harvey's dancing by giving him some magic shoes.
Diva's story...
Savia was a very talented dancer and taught many drag king classes in her spare time. Her friend, Harvey, really wanted to be a dancer more than anything in the world, so Savia gave him some magic shoes that she traded for her Barbie laptop computer that she got for Christmas.
Harvey shone as a beautiful 6'3" 210 lb drag queen named Gem. But Gem let her divahood go to her head, and was soon demanding things of everyone around her. "Savia, do my push ups for me," she'd demand while eating her favourite canned fish and shrimp dinners.
Savia was frustrated because Harvey was once her friend, the only one she could truly talk about Jaws with. She knew something had to change, she had to kill Gem, for her own reasons...to shake off that beauty-queen tag.
So one night, Savia snuck into Gem's room and found a different night-light, because of course, Gem was scared of the dark. When Gem went to bed that night and turned on her night-light, she was attacked by a giant Land Shark and Savia swapped lives with Gem so she could have things easier.
She and the Land Shark lived happily ever after.
June 21, 2010
June 15, 2010
We ain't in Ohio no more
For those of you who are into singing while doing naughty things to one another, I present the trailer for the XXX parody of Glee.
Now that you've been sufficiently traumatized, I return you to your regular blog reading.
You're welcome.
Now that you've been sufficiently traumatized, I return you to your regular blog reading.
You're welcome.
June 14, 2010
Happy pappy
I was so stressed today and had to run off to a doctor's appointment that I didn't want to go to. When I got to the office, the doc was running really late, and I ended up sitting in the waiting room for 20 minutes.
Then, I was sent to an examination room, where I waited another five minutes, after which a nurse came in to ask why I was there. I told her it was for the annual crank crank scrape scrape, so she asked me to whip off my pants and lie on the table covered in one of those oh-so-awesome paper sheets.
So, I did that. And then I waited. And waited. And waited. And then waited some more. I'm not sure how long I was there, but it was actually relaxing after a very tense day to zone out on the table.
When my doctor finally came in and saw me lying there, she was surprised.
Doc: Have you been here the whole time, lying there with your pants off?
Savia: Yes.
Doc: [Shaking her head] I can't believe the nurse told you to do that. I'm running really late.
Savia: No, it's okay. I was having an awful day and was really bitchy and I just kind of meditated and chilled out. It was good.
Doc: You're kind of like a baby that gets really cranky, and then you just take off its diaper and then it's happy.
Savia: I've got to say, Doc, that is the first time anyone has compared me to a baby without a diaper.
Doc: I have to tell the nurse about this. She will find it so funny!
Savia: I should hang out without my pants off more often. I need to find a way to do this at work!
The doc told the nurse, and then reported back to me that she said whenever I need to chill out on an exam table without my pants on, she'll hook me up. Sweet.
As I was leaving, I smiled and said, "I feel so much better now!" and my doc laughed her head off.
I guess this isn't the usual response to a pap.
Then, I was sent to an examination room, where I waited another five minutes, after which a nurse came in to ask why I was there. I told her it was for the annual crank crank scrape scrape, so she asked me to whip off my pants and lie on the table covered in one of those oh-so-awesome paper sheets.
So, I did that. And then I waited. And waited. And waited. And then waited some more. I'm not sure how long I was there, but it was actually relaxing after a very tense day to zone out on the table.
When my doctor finally came in and saw me lying there, she was surprised.
Doc: Have you been here the whole time, lying there with your pants off?
Savia: Yes.
Doc: [Shaking her head] I can't believe the nurse told you to do that. I'm running really late.
Savia: No, it's okay. I was having an awful day and was really bitchy and I just kind of meditated and chilled out. It was good.
Doc: You're kind of like a baby that gets really cranky, and then you just take off its diaper and then it's happy.
Savia: I've got to say, Doc, that is the first time anyone has compared me to a baby without a diaper.
Doc: I have to tell the nurse about this. She will find it so funny!
Savia: I should hang out without my pants off more often. I need to find a way to do this at work!
The doc told the nurse, and then reported back to me that she said whenever I need to chill out on an exam table without my pants on, she'll hook me up. Sweet.
As I was leaving, I smiled and said, "I feel so much better now!" and my doc laughed her head off.
I guess this isn't the usual response to a pap.
June 7, 2010
Cultura Moderna!
My baby bro is getting married at the end of the month, and then he and his wife are going to Italy to visit my crazy Italian family. Since I was there three years ago and my brother hasn't been to the giant boot for 13 years, he wanted my advice.
Savia: They are going to tell you you're fat and make fun of you, so be prepared.
Bro: But I'm not even that heavy. I mean, I could lose a couple, but...
Savia: You'll understand when you see them. They're all slim and short and very body conscious there. So, don't be offended when they say stuff.
Bro: What else?
Savia: Eat slowly. Like waaaaaay more slowly than you usually do. Because lunch is going to take two hours.
Bro: I don't think I can deal with that.
Savia: Well, you're going to have to. You eat, you talk, you drink some wine, you digest, you laugh, you eat some more, you drink some more wine, you talk some more.
Bro: Okay. What else?
Savia: Watch Cultura Moderna!!
Yes, rather than advising my brother to see the ruins of Pompeii or the fountains at Tivoli, I told him to watch Italian television. But if anyone out there has seen Cultura Moderna, you will understand.
Bro: So, what's this TV show about?
Savia: Fuck if I know, but it's awesome.
At this point, I must turn to my travel diary for a better description of the show, because it's far too complicated to describe off the top of my head. Here's what I wrote back in 2007:
They have a lot of the same shows we do, just a year behind and dubbed in Italian. Then, there are the bad Italian game shows, almost all of which are "guess who the mystery person is" type shows, featuring women dancing around in gold bikinis (and by "dancing around," I mean writhing around on the floor) for no reason.
My favourite is Cultura Moderna, literally "Modern Culture."
The cast of Cultura Moderna:
Two hot thangs and two freakish things.
The contestants enter by coming down a giant twisty slide that snakes around the cabana in which the mystery guest is hiding. Once they jump off the slide, contestants showcase one of their talents, after which they are given an opportunity to guess the identity of the mystery person. A winning guess means 500,000 Euros.
Sexy chicks in tiny pieces of fabric:
the Italian game show formula for success.
In addition to the requisite dancing bikini girls (who, in true Italian style, giggle while the creepy host sexually harasses them), there is also some kind of creature that I can only describe as Barney the Dinosaur Goes to Mardi Gras.
This giant mascot freak thing looks like Barney, only red and wearing a shirt with a loud tropical print on it. Every once in awhile, he comes out and says some stuff, but I haven't been able to figure out what his purpose is at all.
Babbibo the New Orleans party dino.
He has a larger wardrobe than I do.
In one episode, the contestants are a contortionist, a singer, a ballroom dancer, a modern dancer and a clown/magician. After each performs his/her talent (and in the clown/magician's case, "talent" is in quotation marks), the contestant stands on stage while everyone in the audience goes "Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhh," reaches both hands forward and wiggles their fingers as though they are putting a voodoo curse on him/her.
Then, a giant screen displays a number from one to three and everyone cheers. This is the number of yes/no questions the contestant may ask about the mystery guest before guessing the identity.
After everyone guesses the mystery guest incorrectly, it is time for the final round, which differs from show to show.
In this one, the finalist had to stand in a castle while the dancing girls in bikinis each held a giant watermelon. The host reaches into one of the watermelons, which were hinged, and pulls out a stuffed Sylvester the cat. I guess this is some kind of a clue about the identity of the mystery guest. Though it clearly doesn't help the contestant figure anything out. Me either.
The finalist dude makes his final wrong guess on who he thinks the mystery person is, and then there is this huge puff of smoke and the guest comes out of the cabana/shack/shed or whatever it is that he has been staying in throughout the show.
We finally discover his identity! It's...some old Italian dude I've never heard of. And then everyone dances with the bikini girls.
See?
Because everyone needs a dance break when they lose a chance at 500,000 Euros.
The whole time I was in Italy, I never saw anyone win this show. On the plus side, they do offer a home version of the game.
I wonder what's in there? A thong and a hand puppet?
Savia: They are going to tell you you're fat and make fun of you, so be prepared.
Bro: But I'm not even that heavy. I mean, I could lose a couple, but...
Savia: You'll understand when you see them. They're all slim and short and very body conscious there. So, don't be offended when they say stuff.
Bro: What else?
Savia: Eat slowly. Like waaaaaay more slowly than you usually do. Because lunch is going to take two hours.
Bro: I don't think I can deal with that.
Savia: Well, you're going to have to. You eat, you talk, you drink some wine, you digest, you laugh, you eat some more, you drink some more wine, you talk some more.
Bro: Okay. What else?
Savia: Watch Cultura Moderna!!
Yes, rather than advising my brother to see the ruins of Pompeii or the fountains at Tivoli, I told him to watch Italian television. But if anyone out there has seen Cultura Moderna, you will understand.
Bro: So, what's this TV show about?
Savia: Fuck if I know, but it's awesome.
At this point, I must turn to my travel diary for a better description of the show, because it's far too complicated to describe off the top of my head. Here's what I wrote back in 2007:
They have a lot of the same shows we do, just a year behind and dubbed in Italian. Then, there are the bad Italian game shows, almost all of which are "guess who the mystery person is" type shows, featuring women dancing around in gold bikinis (and by "dancing around," I mean writhing around on the floor) for no reason.
My favourite is Cultura Moderna, literally "Modern Culture."
The cast of Cultura Moderna:Two hot thangs and two freakish things.
Sexy chicks in tiny pieces of fabric:
the Italian game show formula for success.
This giant mascot freak thing looks like Barney, only red and wearing a shirt with a loud tropical print on it. Every once in awhile, he comes out and says some stuff, but I haven't been able to figure out what his purpose is at all.
Babbibo the New Orleans party dino.He has a larger wardrobe than I do.
Then, a giant screen displays a number from one to three and everyone cheers. This is the number of yes/no questions the contestant may ask about the mystery guest before guessing the identity.
An example of a "talent."
See, I wasn't kidding about the slide and the voodoo chant.
See, I wasn't kidding about the slide and the voodoo chant.
After everyone guesses the mystery guest incorrectly, it is time for the final round, which differs from show to show.
In this one, the finalist had to stand in a castle while the dancing girls in bikinis each held a giant watermelon. The host reaches into one of the watermelons, which were hinged, and pulls out a stuffed Sylvester the cat. I guess this is some kind of a clue about the identity of the mystery guest. Though it clearly doesn't help the contestant figure anything out. Me either.
The finalist dude makes his final wrong guess on who he thinks the mystery person is, and then there is this huge puff of smoke and the guest comes out of the cabana/shack/shed or whatever it is that he has been staying in throughout the show.
We finally discover his identity! It's...some old Italian dude I've never heard of. And then everyone dances with the bikini girls.
See?
Because everyone needs a dance break when they lose a chance at 500,000 Euros.
The whole time I was in Italy, I never saw anyone win this show. On the plus side, they do offer a home version of the game.
I wonder what's in there? A thong and a hand puppet?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)