Diva's hubby gets all close and personal with Savia

Awhile ago, Diva put a call out on her blog for guest posts, so her hubby B-rad and I made a deal: he interviews me on my blog, and I interview him on hers. Here is my side of our little experiment (and I am a bit pissed, because I went first and had no idea he'd get so raunchy, so my questions to him are tame in comparison. Jerk.) To see my interview with B-rad, visit Diva's blog here.

B-rad: What did you think when you first met Diva in real life? And didn't she make your bits tingly?

Savia: The first time I met Diva IRL was at a puppet burlesque show. Diva was a bit twitchy - she may have been wondering if I was going to pull out a knife and say, "Mah ha ha - I created a blog and lured you in with personal posts and emails in order to ensnare you in my puppet burlesque trap!"

Though in reality, I think she was a bit uncomfortable meeting someone for the first time who already knew a whole lot of very personal things about her life. And that makes sense, really - you feel like people are your best friends online, but the truth is, they really don't really know you. Where do you start when you've already been emotionally intimate but you didn't really know how tall the person was or how big their breastacles are? (Diva's are very nice, as you know, B-rad.)

I am very fortunate to actually know Diva now. I would call her one of my best friends, and not just online. She's one of the few people I feel I can talk about everything with - there's never TMI. And the more I get to know her, the more tingly she makes me, B-rad!


B-rad: Name your top three rebellious albums from early teen years and why you connected with them.

Savia: I grew up in a very religious home, so I didn't get into "real" music (other than Amy Grant and the other churchie stuff) until my early teens. So, I definitely did rebel, music-wise. All my friends were into heavy metal, so I was, too. Had I been my own person, I probably wouldn't have gone that route, but we all go along with the crowd at some point in our lives, and I guess this was mine.

1. Open Up and Say Ahh! - Poison (I had to look up the name of this album to be sure, but when I googled "heavy metal poison", I got all these sites about what to do when you've been exposed to a toxic amount of heavy metals - hah!) Who didn't love "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"? Also, I do believe I choreographed a jive routine for gym class to Poison's version of "Your Mama Don't Dance." It was a girls' gym class, so I was a guy in the routine. I wore truly awful bright blue spandex pants, a jacket and tie, and eyeliner on my face for a scruffy beard.

2. Appetite for Destruction - Guns N' Roses. Guns N' Roses was my favourite heavy metal band. I had a thing for the drummer. Also, a Guns N' Roses T-shirt (with, shockingly, guns and roses on it) was the first and only heavy metal shirt I bought. I wore it with skin-tight acid-washed jeans, eyeliner on the inner rims of my eyes, and, yes, backcombed hair. Also, I should mention that I had this album on cassette.

3. True Blue - Madonna. Yes, I know this doesn't sound very rebellious, but keep in mind how religious my mother was. When she listened to the lyrics of "Papa Don't Preach," she flipped out, because she realized the girl was knocked up out of wedlock, and she also interpreted the line, "Daddy, daddy if you could only see, just how good he's been treating me" as the guy was treating her really nice...in bed. Gotta love religious, overreacting moms. I had to fight with her not to take it away. I really loved singing along and dancing all over my room to all Madonna's stuff. I even had a few singles of hers on 45rpm records.


B-rad: As a groupie, if you could only pick one - who would you fuck (STDs are not a factor): Jim Morrison, Gene Simmons, Tommy Lee, Mick Jagger, Bono, Chad Krueger (LOL; please God tell me you're not going to choose this fucker), or Jesus?

Savia: Everytime a Nickelback song is played, God kills a llama, so no, it would definitely NOT be Chad Krueger! Plus, he's fugly.

Most of these guys really don't appeal, except Jim Morrison, who is damn fine. A bit thin for my taste, though.

So, I never thought I would say this, but I would fuck Jesus. First off, he's got the Jesus abs, so that's hot. But I think he would be a caring and sweet lover. You know, give unto others as you would have them give unto you and all that jazz. Plus, there's that picture of you, B-rad, where you kinda look like Jesus, so if his holiness didn't do it for me, I could always pretend he were you.


B-rad: Do you any scientific reason why shower farts smell worse than regular farts? Or have you never been exposed, as it were, to the world of shower farts? If you haven't, let me tell you that they are indeed much worse.

Savia: This is news to me, as I've never experienced a shower fart. I will take your word for it and ensure that I never will. Thanks for the tip!


B-rad: If you were to seduce a guy, say like me, what kind of underwear would you wear?

Savia: Do guys even need seducing? I mean, don't I just have to look at them and they're mine? That's how it's always worked in the past.

To be a good sport and answer your question: no bra, because I'm perky enough not to need one, and I'm sure it would be a nice little surprise for the guy, and black see-through underwear with lace around the top and white polka dots all over them. Because they make my ass look good and are not only sexy, but fun.


B-rad: How often do you masturbate, and/or what percentage of the time are you thinking about me?

Savia: I don't masturbate as often as you'd think - I think stress cuts down my sex drive, and I've had a lot of that as of late. However, I would be lying if I said that you weren't in my spank bank, B-rad.


B-rad: If a man offers you a foot rub, is there a good chance that you'll sleep with him? And if so, would you like a foot rub?? If not, is there any other sure fire way of getting into your panties? That is - if you wear any, which I'm guessing you don't...especially when you're wearing a skirt.

Savia: It's Saskatchewan. Anyone who doesn't wear panties under a skirt is liable to have her lady bits frozen off. But if the idea of me not wearing panties under a skirt floats your canoe, then, sure, I don't wear them, ever.

As for the first part of your question, depends on who's giving the foot rub. Why don't you try and find out for yourself?


B-rad: Who's in the middle? You, me, or Diva?

Savia: Me! It's all about me. And this way, I get the best of both worlds.


B-rad: Tell ME something I don't know.

Savia: I accidentally discovered masturbation when I was 12 years old. I had my first orgasm and had no idea what it was, but I knew I wanted to feel that again. And again. And again. In fact, I'm pretty sure I became addicted. However, because I grew up in this oppressively religious home, I was sure that what I was doing was evil and that God would punish me. So, after I did it, I would pray to God and apologize and promise I wouldn't do it again. And then I'd do it again. And again. And again. I did it A LOT and felt extremely guilty every time. I don't think I got over the guilt until I was in my late teens.

And for this reason, everyone should let their kids know that masturbation is okay and Jesus is not going to kill any kittens if you do it.

Mostly because he's busy having sex with me.


B-rad: Guess how long it took me to come up with ten questions?

Savia: Not sure, but I have a feeling you were only typing with one hand.

B-rad and me, spank bank buddies forevah

I'm here all week, people

I figure that if I have to go to medical appointments and such, I should have fun. My personal goal is to make these people laugh out loud, preferably doubled over. I was able to do it three times this week, so I am going to rest on my laurels for a bit, thank you very much.


Having my cards read at the Body, Soul and Spirit Expo:

Reader: You need to put yourself first and take care of your needs.
Savia: Don't worry about that - my new personal motto is, "Everyone else can suck it."


At the naturopath:

I had brought my birth control pills to the appointment for my naturopath to look at, and he forgot to give them back, so I had to swing by the office to pick them up.

Savia: Dude, you stole my pills! I know you didn't want me to take these anymore, but you didn't have to swipe them!


At the eye doctor:

Doc has just finished examining my eyes with a bright light just inches from my face.

Doc: You have beautiful optic nerves.
Savia: Sigh. I wish a guy would say that to me. "Oh, baby, you have the sexiest optic nerves ever!"

Don't forget to tip your server, people.

Well, fuck me gently!

Diva's hot hubby, B-Rad, recently sent me this message, and made my day/week/month/year:

Some time ago you sent Diva a mixed CD, and on said CD you included "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. Your picture is the on the cover when it comes up on my iPod. Now, when it came up at work (I play my iPod through the stereo at work), my buddy saw it and asked "Who is that chick on your iPod?" I proceeded to tell him about you and your little (or huge) crush on me. Then he asked shyly, "How old is she?" I told him we were roughly the same age, and he said "I thought she was like 19 or so, and I didn't want to say that she was fuckin' hot if she was that young. I know how you like 'em young."

Happy Thanxgivin'er.

I heart you, B-Rad. (And I find it quite awesome that you play "Fuck Her Gently" at your workplace.) But I heart Diva more because she is cool with you sending me messages like these. You're my favourite couple ever.

And I look 19 - woo hoo!

Business card giveaway winners announced

The winners are announced at my review blog, here.

Congratulations!

The pussy whisperer

I have a grad class on Tuesday evenings, and to avoid the ever-vigilant Parking Nazis on campus, I park my car on a side street near the University. On my hike back from campus, I was thinking about some of the themes of the class - about how you can't remain silent when there's suffering - you need to act and help those in need. And that's when I heard it. A yowling, anguished cry coming from a nearby cluster of bushes.

At first, I kept walking, but the crying increased and became more frequent. I paused and then slowly walked toward the noise.

Mrrrrrroooowwww, Mrrrooowww, Mrooowwwwwww.

I wondered if he was stuck in a tree or hurt, but when I looked under the bush, he came out right away and started rubbing up against my legs and meowing happily as I petted his furry orange head. He was starved for attention, and he appeared quite hungry. I checked his ear for a tattoo, and there was one there. So, clearly, he had a home, but I had a feeling he was lost or abandoned, by the way he was acting.

Torn about what to do, I decided on an experiment. I started walking away from the cat to see his response. He not only followed me, but ran ahead of me and cut me off, to ensure I wasn't going anywhere without him. As I continued to walk along the street, he trotted alongside me like a dog. I crossed one street and then two more, and he was still firmly in tow.

We got to my car. I felt really weird, as though I were kidnapping someone's pet if I were to take him with me. So, I did another experiment and told myself that if I opened the car door and the cat got into my car of his own accord, then that meant I should take him.

I got into my car, and he jumped right in afterward. "Well, little dude, I guess you're coming home with me." He curled up in my back window and made hardly any noise on the entire ride home.

Once we got home, I put him in the bathroom and fed him some wet food, which he pounced on and devoured. He obviously hadn't eaten for quite awhile. So long, in fact, that it took him 24 hours to use the litter box after I fed him. Poor little dude. I started calling him Freddy, for lack of a better name, and my roommate referred to him as Crazy, because he was always meowing and acting kind of nuts. Can't blame him, really. Talk about a culture shock (particularly dealing with my freak dog, of whom Crazy Freddy was NOT a fan.)

I went down a few avenues to track down his owners, and finally found them today. Here's the weird part - he had only been missing since Friday, and the owners live not too far from me. None of us could believe this cat had gone all the way down to the university, which is across the city from here, and at least an hour by foot. No wonder he was already looking thin! His owners were so thrilled to have him back. They even gave me a $20 reward, which I will be donating to the animal rescue organization I volunteer with.

After feeling so torn about picking him up, it felt so good to know I made the right decision. Particularly because the day after I picked him up, we had some severe wind and rain storms. I'm not sure how much longer he would have made it out there, and I'm pretty sure he would never have been reunited with his owners.

I have a feeling this little Boi (his real name) won't be wandering off again anytime soon.