Grace in mind-blowing things

1. Finally making good on my New Year's resolution to masturbate more.
   
   
2. A vibrating, multi-speed, pulsating "Deep Space Explorer" egg.
   
   
3. Realizing that I'm single now, and I can do anything and anyone I want. Which makes sexual fantasies more interesting, freeing and risque.
   
   
4. Mind-blowing, screaming, thrashing multiple orgasms.
   
   
5. A scratchy voice and sore throat the next day that isn't due to a cold.

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Grazie in piccolo things

1. Being good enough friends with my ex that he let me burn literally hundreds of songs from his collection the other night.
   
   
2. Being inspired by those new songs on my iPod to hit the gym for the first time in two weeks.
   
   
3. Finally starting to feel better after a week of having a flu. And feeling even better after my workout.
   
   
4. Going to the local Italian deli and buying a Brio along with a four-cheese sandwich on focaccia bread made by an Italian guy with an accent and a mullet ponytail hairstyle.
   
   
5. The Italian guy is fun and outgoing and always remembers me when I come in. This time, he told me at least three times how good I'm looking lately. It might be because he knows I got dumped right before Christmas and is trying to pump me up (he's not hitting on me, by the way - he's just Italian, and, seriously, you KNOW when an Italian is hitting on you, because it's not subtle. I would know. I am one, and subtlety is not one of my strong suits), or it may be the new haircut/colour I got that transformed me into a fiery redhead. Anyway, it's pretty sweet to hear how great you look, repeatedly, in an Italian accent, no matter what the reason.
   
   
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Grace in [crank, crank, scrape, scrape] things

1. I had my yearly physical today, which means I won't have to hear crank, crank, scrape, scrape for another year! Hooray!
   
   
2. When the nurse went to weigh me, I expected the absolute worst, because I've been avoiding scales for months and months, knowing that I wouldn't like the number I saw. Surprisingly, the number was less than I thought it would be. I hadn't gained any weight in all those months!
   
   
3. This mean I only have 10-15 pounds I want to lose, as opposed to 20-25. This knowledge actually makes me want to go to the gym tomorrow, a task I have been avoiding for more than a week. Double Hooray!
   
   
4. I'm really lucky to live in Canada, where we have socialized medicine. This means my physical today cost me $0.00.
   
   
5. Getting your breasts felt up by your doctor: $0.00
   Blood and urine tests: $0.00
   Crank, crank, scrape, scrape: $0.00
   Having your doctor give you "Cooking with South African Chutney" tips while doing the crank, crank, scrape, scrape: priceless! (and the recipes sounded really good, too)

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All that jazzy grace

1. I scored sweet tickets for Diva and me to go to the musical Chicago when it comes to town in March. We're about 15 rows back on the main floor, to the left side. Pricey, but so worth it.
   
   
2. She doesn't know this yet, though I'm sure she won't be surprised, but I'm going to pretend to be Roxie and she gets to be Velma. We both sing, so we could probably burst out into one of the songs from the show, in harmony. (Note to self: work on the harmony before March.)
   
   
3. The show has a lot of scantily clad women in it. Both Diva and I are big fans of scantily clad women. Especially ones who sing and kill deadbeat loser guys. It's win/win.
   
   
4. I'll get to stay at Diva's house, where her husband, B-Rad will hit on me incessantly. I don't mind, and neither does Diva, so it's also win/win. I also get to hang out with her perfect little son, Chewie, who will also start hitting on me one day, when he's old enough to talk and learn from his daddy.
   
   
5. Pop, squish, six, uh-uh, Cicero, Lipchitz: I can't wait!

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Grace in Cock Rings

1. That Beyonce "Single Ladies" song is far more interesting when you decide that it's actually about erections and cock rings. "If you like it, then you should've put a ring on it" - think about it. I think it makes the song much better.
   
   
2. I have a cock ring in my goodie drawer. I got it in a random gift exchange at the first and only Christmas I spent with Superstar and his family. I felt I was being all risque because his sister originally got the cock ring and I "stole" it from her when it was my turn.
   
   
3. His family wasn't scandalized at all, because they're very cool and awesome. Still, when his brother-in-law asked me, "What did you get in the gift exchange again?" and I proudly responded, "A cock ring," and he raised his eyebrows just a little bit, I felt kinda naughty, which was good.
   
   
4. It's one of those cock rings with a vibrating bullet in it, though it's not a very high-quality bullet, so the one and only time we used it, it kept switching on and off every time we moved. Which was both annoying and quite hilarious at the same time.
   
   
5. Now that Superstar and I are no longer together, would it be rude if I used the cock ring with another guy? I mean, I'll totally clean it first, and replace the bullet with something a little bit more long-lasting. Who knows? It could actually be "Oh, yeah, baby" fun instead of "ha ha" fun.

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Grace in Small Things #1

1. I am fostering a 10-week old kitten in my spare room. She is incredibly sweet and affectionate and makes me smile every time I go visit her.
   
   
2. When I walk around the room, she follows me, no matter what weird random patterns I make.
   
   
3. She is black all over with little white stripes in the middle of each of her back paws. I have named her "Hitler Toes" because the stripes remind me of a reverse Hitler mustache.
   
   
4. I realize that this name will not likely get her adopted, and will more likely get the volunteer non-profit cat rescue organization in trouble, so her "official" name will be "Daisy."
   
   
5. I think "Hitler Toes" would be a great name for a rock band.

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Interview by a Diva

My lovely friend Diva recently participated in a meme where she was interviewed by a fellow blogger. I decided to play along and Diva sent the following questions for me to answer:

Diva: 2008 has been dubbed the year of Suckitude by quite a few people...What has been your greatest challenge this year? and What kinds of things are you looking forward to in 2009, the year of Awesome?

Savia: 2008 can suck my non-existent balls. It's kind of hard to pick one challenge, as this was the year of my major jaw surgery, followed by a difficult recovery, anemia that turned into fatigue that turned into exhaustion and, finally, a crippling depression. Oh, and then there was the break-up of my two-year relationship with Superstar.

That being said, I am grateful for all the challenges, because I do feel that I am better for having gone through them. I feel like 2008 was a trial by fire, a test for a lot of us. If you were able to face the scary stuff and admit the little lies you tell yourself every day, you grew as a person. If you continue to live in denial, 2009 will be even worse. I feel like I faced pretty much all my personal demons, so I'm looking forward to the adventure of this year. It feels fresh and full of potential. Of course, I say that every year, but I have a particularly good feeling about this one.

Diva: You have the opportunity to verbally bitch slap one person with no repercussions - alive or dead, whom do you lay the smack down upon and why?

Savia: Hitler. No, wait. Nickelback. I fucking hate Nickelback, catering to the lowest common denominator with their inane lyrics and simplistic, repetitive melodies. I am ashamed they're Canadian and personally feel that every time one of their songs is played, God kills a llama.

Diva: uhm....what's the deal with post-colonial bugs?....Seriously? Bugs??

Savia: I take it you're referring to my proposed thesis topic? I was reading a lot of short stories by a South African writer and noticed the motif of the insect kept surfacing. I was fascinated by this, because the insect is the ultimate "other" and represents both life (pollination) and death (munching on our decomposing bodies). In South African post-colonial literature (particularly in relation to apartheid), the image can represent both the subversive nature of the colonized and the oppression of the colonizers.

And if you made it through that explanation, kudos. In short, bugs are gross, but we need them. So, when they're used in stories, it can get interesting. I swear.

Diva: It has been said by Women and Gender Studies/Philosopher Dr. Dre that "Women ain't nothin' but bitches and 'hos", discuss.

Savia: It's interesting that you bring up that particular song, because I used it in an audio documentary I did in journalism school. I went to a Take Back the Night march, interviewed women there and recorded the sounds and chants of the event. Without narration, I juxtaposed the clips with gangsta rap that I found in my little brother's music collection. The end result was disturbing and illustrated the fact that there is still a need for women to take back the night and continue to fight for their rights and safety.

Diva: In the movie of your life, which lucky Hollywood lady would have the privilege of portraying the beautiful Savia Bella?

Savia: My New Year's resolution is to masturbate more. Oh, wait. That wasn't your question. In that case, Kate Winslet. Because she is a great actress with a real body...and I want an opportunity to make out with her.

Anyone who wants to be interviewed by me, drop a line in the comments with your email address. It might take me awhile to send you the questions, but I promise they'll be worth the wait.

That's what friends are for

One of the first rules of getting along with Savia is this: do not, under any circumstances, fuck with my friends. I get very, very pissed off and am likely to take your ass down.

Not that you were going to fuck with my friends anyway, because you're all very nice people and I like you.

But I'm just saying that if you know anyone who is even considering fucking with my friends, it's best for everyone involved to talk them out of it. Because it won't be pretty, I promise.

That being said, I wanted to share with you a little cheering up card that I sent to a very dear friend of mine with whom someone chose to fuck, and not in a pleasurable kind of way. Thought you might enjoy the inner workings of Savia's mind in such a situation:

Dearest [redacted],

Some people motherfucking suck, and it pisses me off when motherfucking sucky people are motherfucking sucky to my friends. I think these motherfucking sucky people should all be kicked in the balls, and if I could, I would kick the motherfucking sucky people who were motherfucking sucky to you in the balls, because that's what good friends do.

Also, I am aware that some of the motherfucking sucky people who were motherfucking sucky to you do not, in fact, physically have balls.

However, if I could, I would force all the motherfucking sucky people without balls to have sex changes and have their vulvas turned into ball sacks and then I would kick them in their motherfucking prosthetic balls.

Because I'm cool like that and you deserve it because you rock.

Don't let the motherfuckers get you down!

Love,
xoxo
Savia

25 things about Savia

I did this meme on Facebook and thought I'd redo it here, on a different topic, one that I have been avoiding writing about because it's hard to figure out how to put it into words. Maybe a list is the best way?

1. Superstar and I broke up just before Christmas.

2. That sucked, big time.

3. It began with a confrontation/fight, after which I didn't talk to him for a week and had pretty much decided he was dead to me.

4. I even sold part of his Christmas present to typicalquirk and regifted part of it to another friend.

5. Seriously, don't piss me off. I can be kind of ruthless when cutting people out of my life.

6. After several ignored emails and unanswered phone messages (from Superstar to me), I realized that I didn't want it to end this way, with all of this anger and hurt.

7. I deserved better than that, and our relationship, with everything we have been through over the past two years, deserved a better ending than that.

8. I agreed to meet with him to talk about everything and try to understand how it got to this point.

9. But first, I replaced him with a cat. Who is fucking awesome.

10. I went to his house. He had a fire going and gave me a big mug of hot chocolate. I cried my head off and told him all of the things I was angry and hurt about. He said what he needed to say, too.

11. We realized that there were some major problems and incompatibilities between us that we had been ignoring (in my case) or stressing out about (in his case).

12. We love each other deeply and have a real spiritual and physical connection, but when it comes down to the little, practical, everyday things, we are very different people.

13. They may seem like small things, but when it comes to envisioning your life with someone and the way you want your future to unfold, small things become big things.

14. There a number of reasons why we both knew we wouldn't work in the long-run. But we loved each other so much that we didn't want to admit it or deal with it.

15. And now that we put it out on the table and faced the fact that we want very different things out of life, we couldn't continue with this relationship knowing there's no real future.

16. So, we held each other and cried.

17. And had a lot of extremely hot breakup sex.

18. Holy shit, it was hot.

19. And then we parted ways, with a lot of love still in our hearts for one another.

20. We exchanged Christmas gifts before I left. I gave him the presents I didn't sell or regift, and he gave me a beautiful large amber pendant that had belonged to his deceased mother (whom he had been very close to and whom I admired and had a connection with.)

21. When I saw the pendant, I burst into tears because I knew how much it meant to him, and how much I meant to him because he wanted me to have it.

22. It made breaking up easier to know that the last two years and everything we've gone through was as meaningful to him as it was to me.

23. It was the most beautiful and loving breakup I've ever experienced, and I'm grateful we left things the way we did.

24. I still believe he is my soul mate. He's just not my life mate.

25. And so, I begin a new chapter of my life, sans Superstar. I know I'll be okay and that out there, somewhere, is an amazing man who can fill both roles in my life.