34 things I love about me

I was thinking back to last year, when I wrote a list of 32 reasons I love Superstar on the occasion of his 32nd birthday. I figured that if I could do that for another person, why couldn't I do it for me, too? So, this is my 34th birthday present to myself. But you can enjoy it, too, because I promise it won't be just a list of affirmations like, "I am a good person" (which is, for the most part, true - as long as you don't piss me off, which, trust me, you definitely do not want to do!)

1. I have a bizarre sense of humour, and if I can't make you laugh, there is something wrong with you and you should get thee to a doctor or a nunnery or somewhere not here, because you're not hanging out with me anymore. Also, you smell and are wearing your underwear inside out. Just a hunch.
   
   
2. To quote something Superstar said to his friends after the first time he saw me au natural, "She is 31 years old and her breasts have not a hint of sag." This remains true at 34. The perky gals have received compliments from doctors doing breast exams, as well as from women working in lingerie shops. Feel free to hate me.
   
   
3. Multiple screaming orgasms, which I imagine have been a point of contention on condo board meeting agendas in past relationships. Fortunately, I live in a house in a neighbourhood where no one asks questions.
   
   
4. I bought my house, without a co-signer or anyone else's help, when I was 25. I've renovated it over the past eight years into a home that I adore and have no interest in leaving anytime soon, despite the offers of various realtors who keep stalking my abode.
   
   
5. No wrinkles. None. Seriously, you can hate me. I won't mind. Even if I get upset, it's not like it'll show on my face for long. Because: no wrinkles.
   
   
6. I am so cute that you don't mind it if I gloat about things like perky boobs, multiple screaming orgasms and no wrinkles. You like me anyway. Aw - come on, admit it. Here, let me hug you so you can feel the perkiness for yourself. Now, how can you hate on that?
   
   
7. I love animals, especially my three cats and my dog, who all get lots of cuddles each day, as well as high-end food and treats that probably cost more than what I spend on myself.
   
   
8. I have saved the lives of several animals this year. There is life walking around because of me, and I didn't even have to squeeze anything out of my vagina to make it happen!
   
   
9. I make yummy, good wine that people keep trying to buy from me. Schmutzie got licked on it by herself (I believe on New Year's) and Tweeted the experience, only to get inquiries from people asking if I would ship it across the border to them. I'm pretty sure there are laws against that, but it was very flattering, nonetheless.
   
   
10. I am capable of keeping secrets when it really matters. When it doesn't matter, though, I am a great source of information!
    
    
11. I have a pretty singing voice. I've sung solos at a couple of important gigs (a good friend's wedding, a high-level Remembrance Day service for the government) in the past but have not been singing much since my jaw surgery. I hope to pick it up again this year.
    
    
12. I also have a great phone voice. In another life, I could have been an operator on a 1-900-hoes-R-us line. A few years ago, I was making phone calls for a political campaign and one of the people I called kept trying to think of questions to ask me to keep me on the line so he could keep listening to my voice!
    
    
13. I don't have to blow dry my hair or put any styling products in it. It lies on my head very nicely. Sure, it doesn't "do" anything special, but it does save me time in the morning - sleep on it and go.
    
    
14. I have big lips on my face and I know how to use them. (Note that I had to say "on my face" there - didn't want you to be thinking about the size of my labia. Only now that I've said that, you totally are. Oops.)
    
    
15. I would do just about anything for my friends, whom I consider my family. I'm there for them whenever they need me - whether it's for celebration, ranting, or talking them off the ledge. You name it, I'll do it.
    
    
16. I have awesome friends who would do just about anything for me. It feels so good to have solid, funny, smart, interesting and supportive people I can count on, no matter what.
    
    
17. I have purged all of the negative people out of my life and am only left with the cream of the crop.
    
    
18. I will write my MA thesis next year. I will, damnit!
    
    
19. I'm pretty brainy.
    
    
20. But I make up for it by being goofy.
    
    
21. People want to have threesomes with me.
    
    
22. I am usually the one to initiate weird and potentially inappropriate conversations with people I don't know.
    
    
23. I am good at my job.
    
    
24. To know me is to love me.
    
    
25. I stand up for the underdog and speak out against injustice, big or small.
    
    
26. I am a really, really good flirt.
    
    
27. I am not one of those people who needs to be in a relationship or who jumps from one boyfriend to the next. I'm happy being single.
    
    
28. When I'm in a relationship, I don't ditch my friends.
    
    
29. I'm not jealous or clingy when it comes to friends or boyfriends.
    
    
30. I am ready, willing and able to make out with people of either the male or female persuasion, and anywhere in between.
    
    
31. My intuition rocks, and I'm learning to listen to it.
    
    
32. I have a Simpson's quote ready for almost any occasion.
    
    
33. I have overcome a lot of hardship in my life to become the person I am today. Instead of becoming a bitter, untrusting, cynical person, I am open, optimistic and loving. That's a pretty amazing feat, really.
    
    
34. I love me and wouldn't change anything I've been through, even the worst of the worst. I am who I am, and I keep getting better with age.

Speaking of me, what do you love about me?