These are a few of my favourite things

10 FAVORITES

• Favorite Color: It changes a lot, but these days, it's red. I've been wearing a red scarf and carrying a matching red purse - ooh la la - très chic.
• Favorite Food: My chef recently made this deadly szechwan shrimp dish with brown rice - deadly awesome (I can't believe I've become one of those people who says, "My chef..." God, what a princess.)
• Favorite Month: September.
• Favorite Song: That's a tough one. Right now, the song that I can't get out of my head is an acoustic version of "Somewhere over the Rainbow" and "What a Wonderful World" that Superstar put on a "Songs for Soul Mates" CD that he sent me last week.
• Favorite Movie: Another toughie. I like fucked-up Canadian movies with lots of angst. Cronenberg's Last Night was great for that. But in terms of recent films, I would have to say Stranger than Fiction.
• Favorite Sport: Is bellydancing a sport?
• Favorite Season: Fall.
• Favorite Day of the Week: Thursday.
• Favorite Ice Cream Flavor: Mango gelato. Any authentic gelato, really.
• Favorite Time of Day: This is going to sound sappy, but it's when I crawl into bed at the end of the day to call Superstar and drift off to the sound of his deep, soothing voice.

9 CURRENTS

• Current Mood: Content
• Current Taste: Chocolate
• Current Clothes: Brown bohemian skirt with sequin detail at the waist, knee-high brown boots, black top, red scarf, red purse, black and white plaid trench coat, green and orange amber earrings, dream-catcher amber necklace.
• Current Desktop: A picture of a sunset over the ice floes of the Arctic Ocean, from when Superstar was on a ship up there.
• Current Toenail Color: Natural.
• Current Time: 10:30 p.m.
• Current Surroundings: My living room. There's an Italian oil painting of this woman who kind of looks like a gypsy staring down at me. My father bought it from an artist on the street when we were in Italy when I was two. The artist has the same last name as me, which is why he bought it, I'm guessing. But I do like the painting. I've named her Maria. She seems wise. And has great jewellery.
• Current Thoughts: Four days 'til I'm in Nova Scotia with Superstar.

8 FIRSTS

• First Best Friend: Ray, the boy who lived two doors down from us. Our birthdays are six days apart and we were best friends from the time we were born through high school -he was my grad date.
• First Kiss: My friend Shawn when I was 16, I think. It wasn't consensual -he just grabbed me and kissed me. I was so pissed that he was my first kiss. Not cool.
• First Screen Name: The first one was a fun compilation of my first and last names, so I can't tell you that. The first blog screen name was Saviabella.
• First Pet: A grey tabby named Cookie.
• First Piercing: I think I was in Grade 4 when I got my ears pierced.
• First Crush: My friend Ray - I used to chase him around in pre-school.
• First CD: McLaren Furnace Room by the Watchmen. My first cassette tape was True Blue by Madonna, and my first record was Straight Ahead by Amy Grant (ah, yes, the traumatic religious upbringing rears its head.)

7 LASTS

• Last Cigarette: I've never really smoked, but back in the bar days, was known to indulge once in awhile. I would say that it's probably been 10 years since I inhaled.
• Last Drink: Wednesday night - two glasses of red wine and a flute of champagne to celebrate an event that we'd planned that went very, very well.
• Last Car Ride: I just came home from a classical music concert, so the drive home.
• Last Kiss: I believe I made smoochie noises on the phone to Superstar not too long ago (yes, you're puking in your mouth just a little, aren't you?) but in terms of a physical kiss, it would be with my friend Tuesday. He had soft lips.
• Last Movie Seen: Stranger than Fiction
• Last Phone Call: The usual goodnight call with Superstar.
• Last CD Played: Superstar's "Songs for Soul Mates" CD. Which also included the song "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. He really knows how to charm a gal, doesn't he?

6 HAVE YOU EVERS

• Have You Ever Dated One Of Your Best Guy/Girl Friends: My friend Tuesday. But I wouldn't call what we were doing dating.
• Have You Ever Broken the Law: I got caught with fake ID when I was 18. It sucked.
• Have You Ever Been Arrested: Nope. I'm a good girl.
• Have You Ever Skinny Dipped: Jane and I tried to do it at Babs' wedding, but it was too cold out. It's still on my list of things to do. Superstar is very outdoorsy, so if he's around, chances are it's going to happen.
• Have You Ever Been on TV: More times than I can count. At one point, I even hosted my own show.
• Have You Ever Kissed Someone You Didn’t Know: Hell yeah.

5 THINGS

• Things You’re Wearing: See current clothes, above.
• Things You’ve Done Today: Went to Weight Watchers (monthly lifetime membership weigh-in), bought healthy food at grocery store and refused to take plastic bag for environmental reasons, napped, talked to Superstar, went for sushi with T-Bird, went to classical music concert, talked to Superstar again, blogged this list.
• Things You Can Hear Right Now: The whir of my new, very sleek laptop.
• Things You Can’t Live Without: Fabulous friends, music, books, laughter and my pets.
• Things You Do When You’re Bored: Sing opera, dance around my living room, watch Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert and George Stroumboulopoulos.

4 PLACES YOU’VE BEEN TODAY

• Weight Watchers
• Grocery store
• Sushi restaurant
• Classical music concert

3 PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO

• Cee
• Musically Speaking
• Superstar

2 CHOICES

• Black or White: Black
• Hot or Cold: Tepid. I hate extremes.

1 THING YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

• Go back to Italy and see my grandparents before they die.

Ginger beef

Why is it that all it takes is an encounter with a smarmy old semi-famous married bastard to make you realize that no matter how many university degrees you have, no matter how many years of work experience, no matter how classy you dress and how professionally you act, no matter how spiritual, funny, and interesting a human being you are, no matter how many obstacles you've overcome in your life to become someone who is strong, confident, and all around amazing, all you'll ever be to some people is a motherfucking piece of meat?

The Law of Attraction

At the end of December, I decided I wanted a new winter coat. Actually, I needed one because the coat I was wearing was four sizes too big and when I caught my reflection in the mirror one day, I realized that it made me look preggers. And of anything I would like to look, that's not one of them. So, I thought about what kind of a coat I wanted. A red wool one, which are not very common. I pictured the shade of red, the length, the style, the buttons, the price, the size. Then, I thought about the store I wanted it to be in and the exact rack it would be on in that store.

As I got in my car, I wondered if this experiment would work. Would it actually be there when I walked into the store? Ah, it was worth a shot. I had nothing else to do that afternoon anyway.

I walked in, and there were three red coats exactly as I had pictured them, on the rack I had pictured them, at the price I had imagined (actually, $25 less). Two of the coats were size 14 (the size I used to be) and the other was a size 8. I was really disappointed, because I had been focusing on a size 10 to be there. I've never fit into a size 8 in my life, and I knew the 14s would be way too big for me now. Prepared for utter devastation, I decided to try on the size 8 anyway and...it fit. Perfectly.

Stuff like this has been happening to me more and more lately - ever since my dear friend Musically Speaking introduced me to the Law of Attraction. I know there's been a lot of talk about this ever since Oprah had the Secret people on her show the other month, but truth be told, I've always lived my life this way, and even more so in the past two years. Being grateful for what I've been given and achieved in my life, looking at the positive side of everything, focusing on what I want out of life, and going for that. But I've never done it to the extent that they recommend - writing down what you want as though you already have it, focusing on what that feels like, visualizing and feeling it in the present tense even though it hasn't happened yet. After Musicially Speaking told me about how she 'manifested' her dream house by writing it down in great detail, I thought, eh, why not? What do I have to lose?

The exercise itself was more than a little unnerving. It's scary to admit that you want something and to put it down on paper like that. What if you don't get what you want? Won't you be even more disappointed then because you wanted something that badly and then weren't successful? Isn't it easier to just float and let life come to you? And then I remembered that it's my Year of Fearlessness, and the very fact that I was freaked out to do this meant that I had no choice but to go for it. So, I sat down and wrote. And wrote and wrote. In very great detail exactly what I wanted. It went on for two pages and seemed a little surreal, actually. In fact, there were some things that I was thinking that I didn't even write down because I thought, "Yeah, right. Like that's all going to happen, who are you kidding?" But I was thinking them at the time, even though they didn't make it on paper. And then I closed the notebook and put it in a desk drawer, forgetting about it for months.

Then, on my first date with Superstar, he said something that sounded really familiar. "That sounds like something I'd say," I thought, and then dismissed it as the fact that we were just very similar. Later, in one of our marathon phone conversations, he said something else that sounded really familiar. Then, he went on to talk about how he had a written list somewhere of qualities he wanted in a mate. He read them to me, and it fit - it sounded exactly like me. Then, I remembered my 'man-ifesto' tucked away in my goodie drawer. I didn't remember what I had written, but decided to pull it out just to see.

As I read it, my jaw dropped. I had written him down, months before I had met him. In great detail. Those phrases he had said on our date and on the phone were familiar because they were actually written in the notebook, word for word. Even the things I hadn't even written down in the notebook matched him. They didn't just match him - they were him. Shocked, I read the document to him.

There was a moment of silence.

"Did you Law-of-Attract me?" he asked.
"Uh...I think I manifested you. Are you okay with that?"
"Hell, yeah!"

He now gets a kick out of telling people, "So, this chick manifested me and then she danced in a bra in front of my mom..." (Oh, I haven't told you that story yet, have I?)

It still feels very eerie. Is this for real? And then I look at my red coat again, and I know it is.

Twenty-four things...

...I thought would be fun but then they just weren't (as stolen from Schmutzie)

1. Taking a grad class, bellydancing, voice lessons, acting in a musical, working full-time, and preparing for my Royal Conservatory of Music Grade 9 singing exam at the same time.
2. Eating a plate-sized portion of prime rib after not eating red meat for a year.
3. Flushing that panty liner when I couldn't find a garbage.
4. Playing "gas station" with mom's car using beer bottles full of water as the gas.
5. Falling in love with someone who was still hung up on his ex.
6. Dying my hair fire engine red with a product that claimed it would wash out in a week, one week before starting a new, professional-type job.
7. Leaving writing a 20-page grad paper until two days before it was due.
8. Buying a house down the street from my best friend (a few months before she and her live-in boyfriend split and he took the house)
9. Attempting to communicate with my incestuous Italian cousin who couldn't speak English and interpreted everything I said as confirmation that I was going to have sex with him.
10. Leaving a bottle of @dvil on the counter within reach of two mischevous cats and a clueless dog with a taste for sugary coatings.
11. Telling my significant other that his penis is about the same size as my favourite vibrator.
12. Doing my ironic ditzy blonde routine (head tilt, blank stare, mindless giggle) for people who didn't know me well enough to realize the irony or the fact that it was a joke at all.
13. Making out with the guy at the political convention with "ARM THE WORKERS!" written in black marker on his canvass bag.
14. Sharing intimate details of my life with that gal who listens sympathetically and then tells everyone about what you said and trashes you behind your back.
15. Badmouthing that well-known journalist with a chip on his shoulder who has a way of finding out these things and has a penchant for revenge.
16. Taking an unstable term job right out of university at a non-profit organization that paid only $1,300 a month, because I thought it was noble.
17. Taking a job at a big, soulless corporation because it paid well and had good status.
18. Putting in one of those Instead cups when I was really angry with my lover.
19. Making fun of that girl when I thought she was asleep.
20. Convincing my little brother he really wanted to take the oboe in band class because I thought it sounded cool.
21. Making out with that guy in front of all those cops.
22. Changing who I was to please someone I was dating who wasn't even worth my time.
23. Spending $2,000 on a bed without measuring whether said bed would fit up my stairs and into my bedroom.
24. Smoking a joint that was potentially laced with something nasty at a house party where I didn't really know anyone.

(If you write a list of your own as a blog entry, please visit Schmutzie's post and link to your entry in her comments.)

Visual DNA

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Turn your head and coif

When she was done with me, there was enough hair on the floor to knit a new Savia.

The buzz of the clippers was absolutely mesmerizing. But don't worry. I didn't do a Britney Spears. It was just time for some sass, and, damn, did I get it.

It's interesting the power hair has over us, how it makes us feel, how we are perceived by others because of what we have or don't have on our heads. But when you think about it, hair carries with it all of the baggage from our pasts. The longer it is, the more years and memories it contains. Past relationships, jobs, stresses, burdens, and, yes, even some happy times. Maybe you want to hold on to it for comfort like your favourite blankie because it's always been there. But, eventually, it's just time to let it all go.

For the past few weeks, I've been feeling that way about my hair. It felt like such a weight on my shoulders. A daily reminder of the person I used to be. A throwback. A holdout. The last member of a hung jury. As I sat in the chair, I felt tense with nervous energy. I was just coming in to the salon to become a brunette - that was supposed to be fearless enough. But the longer I sat there wrapped in foil like some extra in a low-budget sci-fi flick, the louder that little voice inside screamed, "Do it...do it...do it...doitdoitdoit!!" And then I thought, "Hey, if you're spending $100 on your hair anyway, might as well make sure people will notice it."

When it was done, I just sighed in relief.

I feel so free.

A surefire way to scare off telemarketers

I am usually able to avoid telemarketers quite successfully with my handy dandy call display dealie. If I don't recognize a number, I don't answer the phone. But lately, I have been picking up when it says "unknown caller" because it's usually Superstar using a calling card. This time, however, it was not:

Savia: (seductively) Hello.
Telemarketer: Hello, is this Savia?
Savia: (not so seductively) Yes.
Telemarketer: This is Doubleday Book Club calling. You were a member of our club a few years ago and left your account in good standing, so we would like to offer you the opportunity to come back. We will send you your first book, Step on a Crack by James Patterson for only one dollar. How does that sound? Have you read any other books by James Patterson?
Savia: (thinking fast) I only read post-colonial literature.
Telemarketer: Post-co-what?
Savia: Post-colonial literature. It's all I read. I find it fascinating to look at the lingering effects of colonialism on modern society. Do you have any books that would fit into that genre?
Telemarketer: Uhh...
Savia: I really don't have time to read popular books because I just love post-colonial literature that much, so if you don't carry it then I'm really not interested.
Telemarketer: Okay, then...uh...have a nice day.

Works like a charm every time.

Fear becomes fearlessness - it just takes six years

When I was going through my old emails to put together my last post, I came across something that made me smile. It was one of those email forwards from a friend with questions like: "What is your favourite lunch meat?" and "Which finger is your favourite?" (I wish I were trying to be all cute by making up inane questions, but, unfortunately, these were actual questions on this particular survey. In case you were wondering, my answers were "egg salad" and "ring finger." But you probably weren't wondering, were you, because who the fuck cares?) I've kept a few of these email forwards in my archives so I could look back on them and see how my answers have changed over the years.

Anyway, the question and answer that caught my eye were:

Q: Who are you jealous of?
A: People who are fearless and just go and do what they dream about instead of worrying and thinking about it too much like I do.

I looked at the date of the email - December 6, 2000. It's incredible how far a person can come in six years. Back then, I didn't know what it was like to be lied to, deceived, manipulated and abused (as an adult, anyway), have my heart broken, lose my job, have my health severely threatened, or make life and death decisions.

It was like I knew what to do, I knew even then who I wanted to be, but I couldn't bring myself to go in that direction - I was paralyzed, envying from afar those who were fearless. It wouldn't have occurred to me to take that first step off the edge, or even to shuffle up to the edge to see how far it was down.

But it was living through all of those things, as horrible as they were, that made me come to the point where I can be fearless, do what I dream about instead of worrying and thinking about it too much.

One month from today, I'm getting on a plane and flying about as far away from here as you can get without leaving Canada so I can have a second date with my soul mate. I have no idea what will happen once we're in the same place together again but I have to know if it is what I think it is. I have to throw caution to the wind and take a chance on love.

The me from six years ago would be so jealous. Sucks to be her.

PS Someone found my blog the other day with the search term acts of fearlessness. Sweet!

Me me me me meme

I've decided to make up my own meme. All the cool kids are doing it nowadays. Or at least I'm guessing they are because there seems to be so many of the damn things floating around. Someone has to be starting them in the first place, right?

I was flipping through my email archives and realized that I had saved numerous messages in which friends or lovers had written things about me that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. I am always fascinated by the disconnect between the way others see me and the way I see myself. I remember being surprised when I received some of these emails, thinking, "Is that really how people see me?" Fortunately, the gap between my view of myself and others' perceptions has narrowed a lot in the past two years. But it's still nice to look back on the emails.

So, the way this meme works is this: go through your archives and pick out any emails you've saved that say something about how other people see you. Post 10 quotes in a blog entry.

• I met this fucking wicked gypsy woman who seduced me with her belly dancing, challenged me with her wit, thrilled me with her fearlessness, delighted me with her humour, intrigued me with her philosophy, captivated me with her glance and inspired me with her radiance.

• I know I can count on you, for the little things and the big things. You took my puppy in as your own, you are my son's Godmother, you think of me when you are in other countries, you make me great food - the list goes on and on.

• I hope that you know how much I admire you. You always have input and advice that is so wise and on target. I know your life has not been easy and you have overcome obstacles that I can't even imagine, yet you still reach out to me with kindness as I struggle with something so small in the grand scope of things. Thanks for being such a good friend.

• Babe, I just want you to know I love you with all my heart and everyday I think of you a million times over. You are so important and special to myself & to K. We are always thinking of you :)

• You are an amazing human being with a brilliant mind and a radiant soul. And you're hot. :) I'm still a little incredulous that the universe has seen fit to introduce me to you.

• But you're a really outgoing, positive (and hot - don't tell S) person and I have complete faith you'll meet someone great. Failing that, you can live in our basement.

• I have to say... you're such a great writer!! I can see why you have devoted followers, because you're interesting and brave enough to show your true emotions on your blog, and your writing is just a great read!

• I still think you're incredible. I still think you're beautiful. Once I allowed myself to look in your direction last night, it was very difficult not to keep looking.

• I just wanted to say "Yowza!" - you look so hot in the bellydancing pictures!!! And how the heck do you balance a cane on your head? I am so damn impressed!

• I think you are lovely. And smart and funny and fashionable (great shoes by the way, and the red coat too, but I didn't want to be that guy who slathers on the compliments).

To get things started, I'd like to tag Madam Diva, Teebs, and Musically Speaking to join in the fun. (Come on, ladies - I can't be the only one doing this meme or else I'll be like that kid who always ate her lunch alone in the corner of the playground and played four square by herself all pathetic-like.)