I have call display, which may be the best invention ever (aside from the Rock Chick, of course). If it's a 1-800 number or some long-distance number I don't know, I don't answer and am thus spared having to reject some underpaid telemarketer's spiel. I hate rejecting people. It seems so mean. But that doesn't mean I'm going to donate to the police department, get my non-existent carpet cleaned, or buy a bunch of lousy magazines because you guilt me into it.
The problem with avoiding telemarketing calls is that they just keep calling back. For months, I've been getting calls from a particular number at all times of the day and night, several times a day, everyday. Whoever these people were, they were stalking me and were not going to give up.
Yesterday, I figured that if I finally picked up the phone and told them I wasn't interested, they would stop fucking calling already.
So, I did. And it was the Doubledumb Book Club. Again. Now, you'd think they'd have gotten the hint in March when I told them this to get rid of them. However, they're more tenacious than I had thought.
Telemarketer: Hi! It's the Doubledumb Book Club calling and we have some great news for you, blah, blah, blah...
Savia: Let me stop you right there. I don't read popular fiction and there is nothing that you carry that I would be interested in.
Telemarketer: Well, you're in luck, because we also have a Mystery Club! Do you enjoy mystery?
Savia: No, I don't. Really, there's nothing that you have that will appeal to me.
Telemarketer: We also have a Children's Book Club!
Savia: [twitching a little] Yeah, I don't think so.
Telemarketer: And there's also our Christian Book Club?
Savia: Oh, dear God, no! [feeling a tad bit guilty about taking the Lord's name in vain in reference to a Christian Book Club, and then wishing a little that she had tossed "motherfucking" in there for good measure.]
Telemarketer: Oh...okay then.
I should have told them to take me off their list but I was too busy twitching about the creepy book clubs. Maybe they should just combine the three and have the Children's Christian Mystery Book Club? They could have kids figure out who really killed Jesus or something.
But yeah, you know that in another six months, I'm going to have to come up with something else to fend them off. Any ideas?
And to put a cherry on the cheesecake, as I was about to post this entry, the phone rang and it was another 1-800 number. Grrrrr.
13 comments:
A Christian Children's Mystery Book club would be AWESOME!
"They could have kids figure out who really killed Jesus or something." - That cracked me up!
Sometimes, I like to pretend I speak no 'Englilsh', as Strongbad would say. They call me, and go through their introductory spiel, and I say:
"Que?"
"Uh, is this cenobyte?"
"Javolt! Cenobyte, ja, ja."
"I'm from blah-de-blah, and we'd like to entice you to spend money on crap you wouldn't otherwise spend money on. Seriously, this is some pretty crappy crap!"
And then I spend a few minutes speaking in a made-up Eastern European language, and I gesticulate wildly (even if they can't see me), and when the caller gets so flustered they're about to hang up, I say, in perfectly normal Englilsh, "Please remove my number from your list and never phone me again. I can find you, you know."
Once, a telemarketer phoned and tried to sell me a credit card. He ended up hanging up on me.
Then, a sheister company called to tell me I'd won a *dream vacation* in Mexico, and for only $400, to cover the cost of taxes, I could spend two weeks in the lovely MazatVuerto resort in Lovelyville, Mexico. I kept them on the phone for nearly two hours, asking questions and stringing them along like I was going to give them my credit card number. They probably spent more on that call than they did on their entire sheister operation.
I was just going to say that your line about figuring out who really killed Jesus made me laugh out loud and then I saw that Paige beat me to it. Oh well - it really did make me laugh. Out loud.
My trick for telemarketers: Pick up the phone and, when they ask for me, say, "Just a moment please." Then put them on hold. Make it a game and see who holds the longest! I tell ya, once they hold for 5 minutes a couple of times, they stop calling back.
Option A
No matter what they say or ask you, just keep repeating "So you're saying I'm fat". If they don't hang up after a minute change to "What did you just say about my momma?"
Option B
-"Hello Mrs. or Mr. Mumble-goo, I'm calling today to let you know.."
"Oh, I'm so glad you called. Listen, I'm selling tickets to the Old Timers Hockey Game. As you know, this game helps raise money for disadvantaged children in or around your area. Shall I put you down for 8 tickets at $75 each?...."
-after they tell you they cannot buy any tickets, offer them a credit card with a low introductory rate.
Option C
-"Hello Mrs. or Mr. Mumble-goo, I'm calling today to let you know.."
"Hi. What's your name?"
-they tell you name
"Well heeelllllo {name}. That's a sexy name. Tell me, what are you wearing?"
(It's also equally fun to take the junk mail letters you get with postage paid return envelopes and return junk to different companies. Stuff the CIBC Visa crap in the return envelope for Capital One and drop it in the mailbox.)
::furiously taking down notes from Orgasma's comment::
First rule about Children's Christian Mystery Book Club.... NEVER TALK ABOUT CHILDREN'S CHRISTIAN MYSTERY BOOK CLUB!
i also enjoy via Jerry Seinfeld:
"Hello? Am i interested in a credit Card? Absolutely NOT!!" and then hang up... or (also via Jerry Seinfeld)
"Hello? you'd like to offer me a membership to your book of the month club? Listen, i'm really busy right now - but i'm very interested - can i get your name and number so i can call you at home later tonight?....oh you don't give out your name and number?? Really? You don't want to be bothered at home? Well, isn't that something..." CLICK
i heard on the radio the other day that they were compiling a "DO NOT CALL LIST" that would be given to telemarketers... and "an ASTOUNDING 97% of people polled requested to be added to the Do Not Call List"
You guys are making me laugh out loud here. I don't know if I have enough guts to try any of the phone stuff. I always feel bad for the people because they're just doing their lousy jobs that they probably hate. Man, those jobs would suck.
But this idea of sending credit card offers back to different banks intrigues me greatly...
I have a no-junk-mail sticker on my mailbox.
Most of the time, it works.
Except for the Jesus pamphlets
But Knuckletoes, Jesus wants to be your friend!
I love these ideas. I'm on our "do not call" list so I don't get those anymore. But the idea that kids could figure out what happened to Jesus was priceless!
You can register for free to have your telephone / fax number removed from telemarketing lists maintained by telemarketers who are members of the Canadian Marketing Association (CMA) by calling 1-800-267-8805 or by completing the on-line form at
www.the-cma.org
Requests in writing can be mailed to:
The Canadian Marketing Association
Do Not Call List
P.O. Box 706
1 Concorde Gate
Toronto, ON M3C 3N6
I think you have to actually create the Children's Christian Mystery Book Club.
You could make it like the Clue movie and have a bunch of alternate endings. That way you could A) piss off the largest cross-section of the population and B) mess with the minds of young Christians.
Or imagine the bible as a Choose Your Own Adventure book.
If you choose Judas kisses Jesus on the cheek, turn to page 34. If you choose Judas drinks more wine, turn to page 72.
hahahahahah - oh fuck me silly orgasma - you're brilliant!
True Story
Mini-Me picked up a pile of books at the library for Spring Break. I was home sick all week and bored out of my skull, so I read her books. One of them was a mystery book, about twin 12-year olds. On page 12, one of the twins made reference to having faith in Christ and his love and wishing her friend could find the True Saviour, Jesus Christ. It continued through out the book--a true Christian Children's Mystery Book. I nearly peed my pants laughing.
Of course, now we have to read them all to see who really killed Jesus.
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