The community gym, early spring. Savia runs into a friend.

Savia: Hey! I haven't seen you in awhile. What are you up to?
Guy: Working out. Summer's coming. I've got to look good naked.
Savia: Why? Isn't a dazzling personality, sharp wit, and intelligence enough to attract women nowadays?
Guy: That's the hook. You've got to have the bait.
Savia: I see.

A theatre event few months later.

Savia: Hey! The bait's looking good, my friend.
Guy: What?
Savia: Our conversation at the gym a few months ago, with the fishing metaphors.
Guy: Oh, yeah, right. Thanks!
Savia: You know, there's something I've been meaning to ask you. I mean, clearly, I've got the hook, and it's pretty obvious I've got the bait. But do you have any idea where I might find a pole?
Guy: Twitches and blushes and doesn't know what to do.
Savia: Shrugs and walks away.

Where does one go fishing these days? Any ideas?

Labels: sex

In light of our recent conversation on love, I'd like to share with you my absolute favourite love song of all time. It's from a little-known musical and I think it's the most beautiful song ever written. What I like about it is that it's simple - it's about the little things that make life worthwhile, not the Grand Romantic Notions of Love that are shoved down our throats on a daily basis. This is what it's all about.

And today, I'm going to dedicate it to my pal Teebs in light of the recent blogiversary of her site, Soul Gardening.

Here are the words:

Make our garden grow

Man:
You've been a fool, and so have I
So come and be my wife.
And let us try before we die
To make some sense of life.
We're neither pure, nor wise, nor good.
We'll do the best we know.
We'll build our house and chop our wood
And make our garden grow.
And make our garden grow.

Woman:
I thought the world was sugar cake,
Or so our master said.
But now, I'll teach my hands to bake
Our loaf of daily bread.
We're neither pure, nor wise, nor good.
We'll do the best we know.
We'll build our house and chop our wood
And make our garden grow.
And make our garden grow.

Chorus:
Let dreamers dream what worlds they please;
Those Edens can't be found.
The sweetest flowers, the fairest trees
Are grown on solid ground.
We're neither pure, nor wise, nor good.
We'll do the best we know.
We'll build our house and chop our wood
And make our garden grow.
And make our garden grow.

Labels: relationships

Recently, Schmutzie responded to another blogger's post on femininity with this: "It was like she was knocking on my head to remind me that femininity is a product that has been sold to me..."

Right now, I'm struggling with another commodity that is rammed down our throats: Love. Yes, I spelled it with a capital "L", because that's the status it's been afforded in our society.

These last few months have been extremely difficult for me. Struggle doesn't even begin to describe what I've been going through. But I think part of what is tearing me apart is this idea that if someone really Loves you, that should erase all the wrongs of the past. We see it in the movies all the time. Particularly in the premise (how many times have you seen this movie?) where the guy dates the girl for some disingenuous reason (a bet, trying to get ahead in his job, etc.) but then, somewhere along the way, he stops seeing her as his pawn, sees her for who she really is, and falls in Love with her. Eventually, she finds out the truth; she's hurt and angry and seems as though she's not going to take him back. But then, he makes this Grand Gesture of Love that wins her over, because she realizes he really does Love her. So, even though their entire relationship was built on a lie, and he betrayed her trust, it's okay, because Love saved the day. Love conquers all. Love is all that matters.

It's a hard concept to struggle against, because it's everywhere. It's so powerful and consuming because deep inside, each of us wants desperately to be Loved. We want to believe it's true. We want to believe that Love can make the pain go away. That it can heal our wounds.

It's hard to stay strong when you get an email that is full of remorse, apology, and overtures of Love. It's hard not to run back and say, "It's okay. We Love each other. We can make it work." It's hard not to succumb to the happily-ever-after ending we're accustomed to seeing everywhere we look. But that's not reality. Some people don't change, regardless of how pretty their words are.

In some ways, I'm glad he wrote it because it's validating to know that he realizes what he did was wrong, that he regrets it, and that I did have a real impact on his life. But in other ways, it makes it more difficult for me, because I am left to struggle in this grey area. It's easier to be strong when you can vilify the other person. It's more difficult when you know that he is hurting, too.

And it's even more difficult when you still have feelings for this person, but know you can never trust him again because of what he's done. Just two months ago, when someone said his name in front of me, I would blush. And when I talked about him, I would glow. My body would betray my feelings for him and it was evident to anyone around me. But it will never be that way again. Our Love is lost forever. And all the apologies and flowery language in the world can't get it back.

I'm not responding to the email. I'm going to stay strong. God, this is hard.

Send me your Love, friendternets. I think I need it.

Labels: grief, relationships

Two days ago, I held a 26-hour-old baby in my arms and felt my uterus go tick-tick-tick. Damn biological clock. I didn't even have one of these until I turned 30 and then, suddenly, there it is. It's not fair. Fortunately, my friend told me about her C-section and that put the damn clock on snooze for awhile.

In other news, I've started sleeping nude. For some reason, that seems to make life better.

Labels: misc

I know I haven't been updating much lately. It's because I've been going through a lot. I want to thank you all for the kind comments and notes you've been sending. They mean so much to me, and I'm grateful to have people like you in my life.

Right now, I'm trying so hard to keep it together and move forward, but things keep happening to hinder that. I would just love to go a few days without hurting or crying. I wish I could just not care and that the cruel things he does wouldn't affect me. But I do. And they do.

I admit that I'm a closet Oprah junkie. One day on her show, an audience member asked her, "What was the best advice Maya Angelou ever gave you?" Her answer was, "When people show you who they are, believe them." Those words made me gasp audibly. It's so obvious, yet so difficult at the same time. So many times, we want to believe that people don't mean to hurt us; we make excuses for their behaviour and do mental gymnastics to justify it. But at some point, we have to judge others on their actions rather than what we perceive their motives to be. What does it matter if you didn't mean to hurt someone when the reality is that you did hurt them? And if you didn't know you were doing it, isn't that worse? If you lack the ability to put yourself in someone else's shoes are you not going to continue to hurt them again and again and again?

He has shown me who he is, and I believe him.

I just wish this could finally be over.

Labels: grief, relationships