I've been working at purging CheckMate from my life in an effort to move on. I'm a big fan of clean breaks, though this one will be a bit difficult, considering we move in the same circles. But I'm doing what I can. I've burned every memento that I kept from our dates, I've erased his info from my Palm Pilot, and I've deleted all the email messages he sent me.

I went through the emails before I deleted them. I thought this might be painful, because it would be like reliving our entire relationship, but the emails no longer held the emotion they once did. They weren't as special as I had remembered them to be. I guess when that happy love haze is gone, everything loses its sheen.

Over the past few weeks, I've realized why I was so sucked in by him. It's because he was mirroring me. He doesn't have a strong enough sense of himself to be himself in a relationship; instead, he becomes the person he's with. When we were together, I thought we had the same personality type, the same interests, the same values - absolutely everything in common. In other words, I was dating myself. And, damn, was I a good date. Until the mirror smashed into tiny little pieces on the floor, that is.

In going through the emails, I came across one that I wrote to him after he discovered that his ex-girlfriend had deceived him and strung him along. Ironically, a few weeks later, he did the same thing to me. Looking back, I realize that I was actually writing the email to myself, because I thought he was like me. When I read it again, it sounds like a voice from the past - the me from a month ago, sending a message to the me today. This is what it said:

Hey sweetie,

I hope you had a good sleep and are feeling a bit better today. I've been thinking about you a lot. Every day that I know you, I learn something new that deepens my respect and feelings for you. I'm glad that you're the kind of person who is honest, caring and expects the best out of other people. I know that means that you open yourself up to being hurt when you encounter others who don't live by the same rules, but it also means that you are able to connect with people and have friendships and relationships that have real depth and meaning. I feel honoured to have someone like you in my life. It gives me faith that there are still things in this world that are pure and good.

I just wanted you to know that. I hope you have a wonderful day.

Take care,
Savia

Rather than tasting the cruel irony of what I'd written, reading my own words actually made me feel better, because they really were to me all along. I hope that they can also help those of you who are dealing with your own pain right now. You know who you are, and I think of you always.

Labels: relationships

Schmutzie recently asked people to send her photos of glasses on faces or inanimate objects. Having nothing better to do on a Friday night of a long weekend (Wow, that sounds pathetic. Actually, I'm sure I could have found something to do had I really wanted to, but honestly, after everything that's gone on recently, I'm content to stay at home with the Season 5 DVDs of Six Feet Under tonight), I decided, Eh, why not take some pictures of my more-than-impressive glasses collection for the Schmutzter. It's the least I could do after she offered me her banana and all.

I say more-than-impressive, because in the nine years I've been wearing them, I've accumulated seven pairs of glasses (three of which are in current rotation). I am a self-proclaimed glasses whore. And purse whore. Oh, and necklace whore. Okay, let's just cover all our bases and say I will put out for pretty much any accessory that comes a knockin'. It's a sickness.

But you get to benefit. I present to you, my glasses collection, as modeled by my puppy. (This is where the title of my post comes in. Schmutzie specifically noted in her instructions that participants in her challenge were to either put the glasses on their own faces, or on an inanimate object. I, apparently, can't read or follow instructions. By the time I figured it out, I had already traumatized my dog and had to feed her copious amounts of treats to make it up to her. With that in mind, it doesn't seem fair to waste the pictures, does it?)

So, there you go. Now you know my little secret. I wonder how much they'd all fetch on eBay?

Labels: misc, Schmutzie

I've realized that I've been in a low-grade depression for about three months now, only I didn't notice because I was distracted by what I thought was a happy, healthy relationship, and I was incredibly busy with school. But underneath it all, I was exhausted, drained and dragging myself around, refusing to face what was going on inside of me. The continuous stream of negative events - instability at work, the death of a young friend, and the betrayal of my relationship - is taking its toll. Now that I know it's there, I have to do something before it gets worse.

After a lovely lunch with Schmutzie, in which I broke down crying and said, "I'm so sad," I decided to go to the health food store to pick up some SAM-e, a natural supplement that I'm told really helps with this sort of thing. I'll let you know how it goes.

In the meantime, let's focus on the positive. Here is a list of some of the things that make me happy:

* My friendternets
* The fact that Schmutzie writes beautiful things about me and wants to feed me bananas
* The way my puppy follows me around the house and presses her cold, wet nose into the back of my calf
* A purring black and white cat curled up on my chest
* I landed a great role in a musical this summer - my first actual named character with lines and solo parts and everything!
* I got an amazing mark in my grad class and my prof liked my term paper enough to want to help me get it published. I might actually be a published academic my friendternets, can you believe it?
* I have a job that I am good at and enjoy coming to everyday, with co-workers who really are like family.
* I know who I am and I like who I am.
* I know what I want to be when I grow up.
* The sun is out, and there are amazing concerts coming to town this summer, including Ani DiFranco - how cool will that be?
* Last week, I fit into my skinny jeans for the first time in six years. I've lost more than 40 pounds in the last year and a half. I think my body's finally ready to let the past go.
* I was asked to speak to a group of students at the end of the month about my profession. I love public speaking and am really looking forward to it.
* I heard from the supervisor of the last group of students I gave a presentation to about jobs in my field, and she personally credits me with three of those students finding jobs. You could have knocked me over with a feather when she said that to me - I was so amazed that I could have made that kind of a diffference in other people's lives.
* I can make people smile and laugh and feel better about themselves.
* I have been through so much. I am strong. I can make it through this.

Labels: gratitude

A few weeks ago, my snarky friend and I went to the natural history museum. It was interesting going to such a place with someone with a science background. I had been going to this museum since I was a child and all of the exhibits suddenly took on new meaning and significance as I saw them through snarky friend's fresh eyes.

One exhibit in particular has stuck in my mind and haunted me ever since I saw it. I didn't understand why at the time, but I do now. It was a reconstructed pottery bowl used by early aboriginal peoples, recovered in an archeological dig. It was in a glass case, and from far away, it looked whole. Upon closer inspection, however, you saw that it was actually made up of tiny fragments of clay, cracked and carefully pieced together on a mold that was keeping them in place. And there was also a large chunk of the bowl missing, a hole in one side where they were evidently unable to recover the remaining fragments.

I've realized that there are a lot of people walking around in this world who are like that bowl. They seem whole, but they are broken, fragmented, full of holes. They aren't who they appear to be, and you project that wholeness onto them because you want to believe it's there. You want to believe the illusion and you are lulled into a false sense of security. And when that illusion is broken, it is absolutely devastating.

CheckMate is broken, so broken, and I can't fix him. I thought I knew who he was, but I was projecting a wholeness onto him that clearly does not exist. There is a hole in him that is so deep that it shocks me. To fill it, he has lied, he has deceived, he has betrayed, and he has hurt me more than he will ever know. I am reeling at everything that has happened in the last few weeks and the fact that he has destroyed everything that I knew to be true about him and our relationship. I have never met anyone this toxic or damaged and it troubles me that I chose this person, that I trusted him and that I was unable to see this monumental character flaw, this abyss inside of him.

It's disappointing, because I really felt that this was 'it', that this was my CheckMate and we were going to spend our lives together. I'm very careful about the people I allow in my life, and I have a very strong intuition that I follow even when it seems impractical, but this has completely blindsided me. I feel shell shocked. My body is reacting violently to the trauma of it - I'm having problems eating and I'm dry heaving from the stress.

One thing that is keeping me going, however, is that I know that this has nothing to do with me. I feel good about me and how I've handled myself through all of this - with grace and dignity and self-respect. I don't feel rejected or dejected; I know that if he were a whole person, we could have had a good life together. But he's not. He's so not. When we break up with people, we always say, "It's his loss. I'm too good for him." But this time, I actually believe it. I know what I'm worth, and what I deserve, and it's so much more than this. I like myself, I like my life, I know who I am, and that's all that matters. I am me. And I'm going to be okay.

As difficult as this is, I feel blessed that I was able to find out the truth and get away from this mess. I can't even imagine what it would have been like had I married him or had children with him, because his problems aren't going away and would have come to light eventually, and in even more devastating ways. The prospect of that takes my breath away. I know someone is looking out for me, and I'm grateful every day for it.

Labels: gratitude, grief, relationships

Happy Blogiversary, Happy Blogiversary, Happy Blogiversary, Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaapy Blogiversary.

Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy Blogiversary.

Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy, Happy Blogiversary!

Ooooooohhhhhhhh..........

I can't believe I forgot my own motherfucking blogiversary! It just seems wrong. I feel like I should have had the calendar marked and something special planned, or even just a pre-written entry floating around in my head to commemorate this milestone. A retrospective, perhaps? Something to catalogue my growth as a blogger and the fact that I now have more than two readers (Schmutzie and Palinode, in case anyone was wondering. A shout out to you guys, by the way. You rock.) But instead, it slipped by quietly this weekend without my even noticing it.

I am eternally grateful to Schmutzie for introducing me to this world. It has helped me start writing for myself again. It has given me a voice. It has helped me work through my past and left me a sense of self and confidence that I didn't think was possible. I sometimes attribute my newfound self love to being 30 and finally knowing who I am and what I want in life, but I think the blog had something to do with it as well. Whatever it is, something happened to me in the last year. I can actually look at myself in the mirror and like what I see, inside and out. And it feels really amazing. Given the life I've been dealt, I never thought I'd get here. Never.

And I'm grateful to all of you for taking the time to read my words, and leave your thoughts and good wishes as a reminder that there are still kind people in this world who care about each other, even if they've never actually met (yet). I never thought that I'd be the kind of person who had friendternets, but I'm glad I do. You mean so much to me. Thank you for being you.

For those of you who prefer to be strong silent types, I haven't forgotten about you, and I'm very glad you come by. But you know, it would be a really nice Blogiversary present if you would de-lurk for a sec and leave a note, even just to say 'hi'. I promise I don't bite (mostly because of the braces - it's hard to bite into almost anything. So really, I'm no threat at all. See, you can trust me!)

Here's to the last year, my friendternets - let's make the next one even better.

Labels: gratitude

I thought I would be able to write about what's been going on in the past two weeks, but I find the prospect of it so draining that it's blocking me and causing me to avoid writing altogether. So, I'm either going to have to write around it or else never blog again. And the second prospect is just motherfucking depressing. So, here is me writing about it without really writing about it.

Like Roo , when I'm going through a tough time, I consult the cards. Roo's choice of deck is the Tarot. Mine is the Rune Cards. It's similar to the Tarot, but my deck is based on the 21 ancient Viking Runes. I came across the cards in a discount bookstore in Ottawa about eight years ago. I don't consult them often, but whenever I do, they are eerily accurate about the situation I am dealing with, and give me some insight and even some comfort and closure.

This weekend has been really tough, so last night, a reading was in order. I drew a three-card spread and ended up with this:

The cards are read from right to left. Interestingly, in this spread, all of the cards are reversed (cards mean different things based on whether they are right-side up or upside down). This spread is: Initiation (reversed), Journey (reversed), and Joy (reversed).

The place in which the card appears has a meaning, as does the card itself. From right to left, the cards stand for The Overview, The Challenge, and The Course of Action Called For (the book's words, not mine - can you believe that they ended that last phrase with a preposition that they also capitalized? Yeesh.)

The Overview - Initiation (reversed)

A counsel against expecting too much, or expecting in the ordinary way, for the old way has come to an end; you simply cannot repeat the old and not suffer. Call in your scattered energies, concentrate on your own life at this moment, your own requirements for growth. More important, Initiation counsels you neither to focus on outcomes, nor to bind yourself with the memory of past achievements. In doing so, you rob yourself of a true present, which is the only time in which self-change can be realized.

You may feel overwhelmed with exhaustion from meeting obstruction upon obstruction in your passage. Yet you always have a choice: you can see all this apparent negativity as bad luck, or you can recognize it as an obstacle course, a challenge specific to the initiation you are presently undergoing. Then each setback, each humiliation, becomes a test of character. When your inner being is shifting and reforming on a deep level, patience, constancy and perseverance are called for. So stay centered, see the humour, and keep your Faith firm.

The Challenge - Journey (reversed)

Receiving this Rune Reversed puts you on notice to be particularly attentive to personal relationships. At this time, ruptures are more likely than reconciliations. Effort will be required to keep your good humour. Whatever happens, how you respond is up to you.

The requirements of your process may totally disrupt what you had intended. Hoped-for outcomes may elude you. And yet what you regard as detours, inconveniences, disruptions, obstacles and even failures and deaths will actually be rerouting opportunities, with union and reunion as the only abiding destinations.

The Course of Action Called For - Joy (reversed)

Things are slow in coming to fruition. The process of birth is long and arduous, and fears arise for the safety of the "child" within. A crisis, a difficult passage - even if brief - is at hand. Consideration and deliberation are called for. Ask yourself whether you possess the virtues of seriousness, sincerity and emptiness; to possess them is to have tranquility, which is the ground for clarity, patience and perseverance.

Seen in its true light, everything is a test. And so, focused in the present, sincere toward others and trusting in your process, know that you cannot fail.

In times of crisis, Joy Reversed is a useful meditation.

Wow. It never ceases to amaze me how these cards reflect my struggles and feelings. And they always give me some comfort and grounding in the process. I feel a bit better now. I can do this.

Labels: magic

I'm sorry I've gone AWOL on you, my friendternets, but it's been a brutal couple of weeks and I'm so drained from it all that I can't even bring myself to write about it. But I will. Don't you worry about that. Until then, I'll leave you with this passage from The Penelopiad by Margaret Atwood. I just stumbled across it and it made me feel a bit better:

Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can't go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.

Labels: grief