I brush my teeth a lot. When you have these lovely metal and porcelain dealies strapped to your teeth, you kind of have to. Anytime I eat something, I am gripped by the paranoia that something is stuck there and everyone is staring at me. Even if the offending object is not visible, I can feel things sticking in the brackets at the back of my mouth, and it will drive me crazy until I have the opportunity to run to the washroom and give the suckers a good scrubbing. (Note the gratuitous use of italics. Can you tell this really gets under my skin?)
So, in my cute little mini Nine West purse is a cute little mini toothbrush and a cute little mini tube o' toothpaste for this very purpose. I have brushed my teeth just about everywhere - from hoity toity parties with canapés and hors d'oeuvres, to skanky dive bars with nachos and "cheez". You name it, I've brushed in it. But Friday night was the first time that anyone really noticed...
Savia is at a local Irish pub and has gone to the bathroom to brush her teeth. (She is positive bits of quesadilla are lodged in them and is trying not to twitch at the thought.) She is stooped over the sink with a mouthful of suds when a girl with the most impressive rack of cleavage walks in. (Seriously, it was quite magnificent. It looked as though it were on a platter for our viewing pleasure.)
Cleavage Girl: Oh my god! You're brushing your teeth at the bar!
Savia: Umm hmmm Her speech is impaired by the fact that she has a toothbrush in her mouth.
Cleavage Girl: That is so awesome! I thought I was the only one who did that!!
Savia: Smiles and spits. I have braces, so I kind of have to.
Cleavage Girl: Whenever I'm into a guy, I always go to the bathroom and brush my teeth at the bar. Guys appreciate a girl who is fresh.
Savia: Well, there were a lot of onions in that quesadilla...
Cleavage Girl: See, that is so considerate. You are so fucking awesome. You know what? We're better than all of those other girls, because we know, we know that guys appreciate a girl who is fresh. It's important you know. They don't understand that and we do and that's what makes us so fucking hot. You fucking rock.
Savia: Uh, thanks.
Cleavage Girl: What's your name?
Savia: It's Savia.
Cleavage Girl: Well, Savia, I want to shake your hand.
Savia: Uh - but it's full of toothpaste and stuff.
Cleavage Girl: I don't care. I want to shake your hand because you are so fucking awesome, Savia. I hope you get laid. Whatever it is you want tonight - getting laid or making out or whatever, I hope you get it, because you deserve it because you fucking rock. You fucking rock.
Savia: Thanks. It was nice meeting you, too.
Apparently, brushing your teeth at the bar is the new hottest thing and I'm at the forefront of this groundbreaking sexy trend. Who knew?