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March 24, 2006
A voice from the past

Pain from my past has been bubbling to the surface lately, making my world feel unsteady, making me wonder if I even know myself, making me doubt that I'll ever feel "normal" (though what is that, really?) I was going through some of my old journals tonight and found this. It says it all.

My inner child

That little blonde curly haired girl
who was me
but who I am not.

She left when I was four.
Where did she go?
Is she in purgatory somewhere,
serving penance for what a twisted sixteen-year-old did?
No, it's not dirty
I washed it today
it's just like sucking on a bottle
a baby bottle

Is she safe there
or continually being molested for all eternity?
Locked in a dark box
nowhere to hide
except from me.

But if I could find her
I would protect her
because no one else did
or could.

I could save her by rewriting her story
by writing me into it.
I would walk into that living room
and grab her away from him
and stop it all from ever happening.
I would embrace her
and stroke her hair
and tell her that everything was okay.
And she would still be naive
and a child
instead of gone.
She wouldn't even understand
the significance of my actions
or why I was there.
But I would.

Saving her is a nice thought
but would I truly want that?
Would I even exist
if she hadn't been crucified?

Maybe it has to be this way
Two fragments of one soul
one lost
and one found.

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4 comments:


Anonymous lynn at 6:59 PM  
I just tried to send you an e-mail about this post, but it looks like your address isn't working. The message keeps getting bounced back to me.

Anonymous musically speaking at 7:00 PM  
Sorry to hear you are struggling a bit Savia. I'm thinking of you.

I've also been struggling a bit lately. Last night I had terrible dreams and woke up early, upset and annoyed. Pasts. They suck.

I've changed my blog, I linked to yours too...is that ok? HUGS!!!!

I'm all ears babe.

Anonymous tb at 7:00 PM  
Savia, I hope you are finding some peace and I am so sorry for what you had to endure.
Wrestling with demons from the past always make me forget about what is in front of me. Keep your eyes on the road ahead, if you can. Where you are today and where you are going is a much better place and don't forget that is because you have made it so.

Anonymous sarcomical at 7:01 PM  
what an amazing way to say what so many people probably can relate to! this was so very touching!

all my love to you. ;)


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