To the dark haired fidgety girl in my grad class:
Yeah, you, with the glasses. I appreciate that it is difficult to sit still for three hours while discussing literature. I accept that you will always twitch in your seat the entire time. I can also accept the fact that you've now stolen "my seat" in the class. I mean, it's not like my name was on it or anything. But there are a few things that I cannot accept.
For instance, the fact that you snorted your snot every few minutes for the entire class. I can understand that you have a cold, but cold pills and tissues are quite inexpensive, and leaving the room is priceless. I am still trying to understand why you thought it was okay to pull out a bottle of nail polish and roll it in your hands while the prof was speaking, and then take the cap off, put it back on, take the cap off, put it back on... obsessively for minutes. And then...do I believe my eyes...proceed to polish your nails in class. A grad class. Of 13 people.
Seriously, this class isn't big enough for the both of us. You have been warned.
To the cute redheaded boy in my grad class:
I don't know your name, but you seem smart, funny and interesting. We seem to be on the same wavelength; I nicknamed you my arch nemesis on the first day of class because every time I thought of something to say, you said it first.
So...how about some night after class, you and I get together and you let me shave that gawdawful thing off your face.
I mean, what the hell is that? I've seen mustaches before but this one has a life of its own. I'm sure you're trying to make some sort of a statement with it, but the fact of the matter is, it's just creepy. I have some great organic shaving gel that smells like lemongrass and clary sage. What do you say?
Not to be shallow or anything, but I can't marry you as long as that appendage is growing above your lip.
Thanks so much for introducing me to The Game. I've lost five times since Saturday. Okay, make that six because I'm now writing about it, which means I've LOST AGAIN! See - it's making me write in capital letters, so obviously it's having a negative effect on my health. What did I do to deserve the burden of this Game?
I will find a way to get you back...you, and your little cat, too.